You might’ve caught wind of the GREATEST POLITICAL SCANDAL OF ALL TIME yesterday, where a heterosexual bodybuilder managed for years to cover up the fact that he has a lovechild, despite being married to one of the most powerful scions in America.
That’s right, before bouts of gutting funding for essential programs in California and pretending like he’s an actual politician, Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy pulling a Jude Law – where you get so accustomed to having the hired help around, you just assume they want to have sex with you. Unlike Jude Law, his sperm can crush a steel door into a pretzel. So it was only natural that the woman that he had an affair with got pregnant and carried his baby, whilst nobody was able to ascertain that yes, maybe the kid who is breaking all the gym equipment and has a chin that could murder someone is probably the baby of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The woman’s name was leaked today, so her life is about to get way weird. Mildred Baena, you’re lucky that you’ve retired already, because the Shriver/Schwarzenegger house is probably a much more awkward place to be around today. Much, much more awkward.
Mildred retired, presumably to write a book of more old-timey names.
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