There are allll kinds of sex tapes in the world for all sorts of people no matter what you’re into. When it comes to the sex tapes below, however, i can say with absolute conviction that NO ONE wants to see them. Not Convinced? Check out the Worst sex tapes of all time below in no particular order…
KidRock & Creed’s Scott Stapp – Oh no not together.. but ALMOST! If you ever wanted to watch two hillbilly “rockstars” partying it up together and receiving oral sex from a handful of groupies in the same room then this is the video for you. Why anyone would want to see Kid Rock in anything less than a wife beater is beyond me.
Tom Sizemore – Oh Sizemore, even though you have a porn star name you gotta know that when you create a sex tape that’s targeted toward the middle aged women demographic you’re in trouble. The porn world is basically telling you that no one wants to see your 8 hour sex tape from hell. The sex tape started out with rumors that Liz Hurley was in it, but ended up only containing a plethora of porn stars and hookers AND Tim Sizemore. Yawn.
Tonya Harding – How can I put this lightly, the Tonya Harding wedding night sex tape isn’t exactly something you want to save for the weekend.. or even a weeknight, or even a Wednesday through Thursday. No, no, the Tonya Harding Wedding Night Sex tape should be saved for a Tuesday morning around 11:52 before lunc—scratch that, after lunch 2:35pm perhaps.
First of all, The wedding dress thing is just brutal. While it should make her seem “feminine” it makes you actually realize how mannish she actually is. Secondly, if you want to watched a sloppy drunk girl with a body shaped like a senior citizen – volunteer at your local cougar bar. Gawd, I can almost hear The Deliverance banjo in the background…
One Night in Chyna – When I first heard that Chyna (Joanie Laurer) had a sex tape I had to ask the fundamental question – Was it a girl? No, no, surprisingly it was with ex wrestler X-PAC which now when I think about it makes more sense. HAVE YOU SEEN CHYNA PEOPLE?!!? She’s a Gorilla! No girl other than a Chyna doppelganger could ever have sex with Chyna. And this world isn’t big enough for two Chynas. Except for maybe X-Pac from WWE. If I wanted to watch 2 rhinos going at it I’ll watch the Discovery Channel.
Screech’s Sex Tape– The most annoying guy in the world makes the most repulsive and annoying sex tape in the world. No one believes that a girl would actually want Screech from Saved by the Bell let alone TWO without being paid heavily so it makes this sex tape basically a crock of shite (pardon the pun). From the sounds of it, Screech doesn’t believe it either since he spends the whole time not enjoying himself but talking nonstop about all the haters of the world. Dude, get your money’s worth while you can – SBTB isn’t going to be syndicated forever.
***Honorable Mention: Danielle Staub and the Onion Bagel – Let’s be honest – The Real Housewife series isn’t created so we can hem and haw about how hot the housewives are – we laugh and make jokes about how desperate they are and if this video didn’t have sex in it particularly WITH Danielle Staub then I would probably join in and laugh and laugh. If you have more of a stomach for this sort of thing then feel free to watch the housewife eat toothpaste out of the tube, take a trip to the bidet, and talk about the onion bagel she just ate. Lovely.
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