Why, oh why internet, would you start a rumor about Jackie Chan being dead? Are you not satisfied with the greatest action hero that walked the face of the Earth being alive? You want to hivemind him away?
Since this morning, Jackie Chan has been the latest victim of the perpetual internet hoax – a major celebrity dying in a tragic accident. But Chan’s been in accidents. He’s caused accidents, just to amuse you. You’re going to turn that back on the man to try to amuse yourself internet? That’s a BAD internet. Go sit in the corner with your pointy cap on. Twitter has been abuzz with the report that Chan died of a heart attack – an obvious physiologically impossibility, because he has the heart of a dragon made from steel. Jackie Chan was built from spare parts from the destroyed corpse of Mecha-Godzilla after he washed ashore in China – then brought to life with radiation and lightening.
Did you see him recently in the Karate Kid? It’s disturbing to think of Jackie Chan being old – and starring in movies with Will Smith’s wiener children. Let’s all remember the Jackie Chan from Drunken Master INSTEAD of the one who coasts in terrible children’s movies.
In summation, he ain’t dead. He’s walking around, kicking people in the face, at frozen yogurt stands. In all of our minds.