Phil Collins Announces Permanent Retirement?

By Mark Lorenz on March 4th, 2011

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Jesus, what is this, the early or mid 90’s? This is the saddest announcement for anybody whose wardrobe consists mainly of khakis and bathrobes.

Phil Collins has announced that he’s retiring from music. So put down the knife, let the hookers outside of your house quietly, and find a new soundtrack to try to re-enact American Psycho to. For those of you who don’t know who Phil Collins is, you’ve been missing the whitest sex muzak ever crafted in a laboratory and a running joke that South Park just couldn’t let go. And some of the finest pop music of the 80’s. Can you imagine a song like Sussudio ever being a successful in a contemporary setting? Only in Reagan’s 80’s.

Unfortunately, Collins sounds like he’s depressed on the Billy Joel tip, apologizing for the massive success he’s enjoyed and talking about how nobody will miss him. Come on, Phil Collins. You’re a punchline to people who are hip, but you’ve sold over 150 million records. That’s no small achievement by any stretch. Lately, health problems have prevented him

I’m sorry that it was all so successful. I honestly didn’t mean it to happen like that. It’s hardly surprising that people grew to hate me.

Sounds sad, right? Get your nooses ready.

I’ll go on a mysterious biking holiday and never return. That would be a great way to end the story wouldn’t it?

Somebody give Mr. Collins a hug.