Due to a high-profile New Yorker-sponsored rundown of the deleterious effects of Scientology, the FBI investigation into special treatment given to Tom Cruise and the slave-labor camps at Gold Base, the actor and the organization need a high-profile makeover.
So what’s Tom Cruise’s next move to distance himself from crazy people? Star in a musical. Wouldn’t be my first choice. I’d rather have people photograph me eating tuna out of the hands of strangers than star in a big-budget musical that doesn’t feature Meryl Streep. But they’re gunning for Tom Cruise, whose recent cinema forays have included a spy flop, a political thriller flop, a German action flop, and then Tropic Thunder. So the only places he has left to go are ridiculous comedies, musicals, and sequels to Mission Impossible.
Cruise is in talks to star in the big-screen adaptation of the musical Rock of Ages, which means he’d be singing alongside Anne Hathaway and Russell Brand in a cacophonous spectacle equivalent to the nightmares you’d get after drinking dish soap. Cruise would be playing an aging bartender — the complete opposite of the public’s view of his personal life, presently.
Like Larry Gelbart said, ‘If Hitler’s still alive, I hope he’s out of town with a musical.’