Somewhere in the hills of Hollywood, they are firing darts at a board with a list of popular properties. That’s the only explanation. The only explanation for the fact that they’re going to make a movie about the hula hoop.
The hula hoop. From Wham-O! The toy you put around and spin on your waist at ages when you’re too young to realize there are much better ways you can be spending your time…like sawing off your legs at the joints or sharpening sticks to place gingerly in your eyes. Really. A hula hoop movie. The routes that can be taken with a hula-hoop movie are about as reliable as driving down Mullholland at 88 miles an hour. Can you even put a traditional hula hoop in a movie without it being the most boring activity ever filmed? Grab a hot girl. That’ll solve one problem, but then you’ll have to sit and watch them hula hoop, and I’d rather somebody ran me over with a rusted cement mixer. What could you possibly do with it? Here’s what.
1. The Hula Hoop Will Be Magical
Difficult? Time travel. More difficult? Finding a time-traveling hula hoop…so you can go back in time to the boardroom where this idea was conceived and commit the most necessary honor killings the world has dictated to you.
2. The Hula Hoop Will Be A Character
A child with no friends and career-oriented parents will react poorly to their decision to move to an isolated suburb of New Jersey. Their only friend will be a hula hoop. Who will start talking and become real. Then roll itself to the boardroom where this idea was conceived and murder people.
3. The Hula Hoop Will Be A Metaphor
For Hollywood’s stagnant system that cyclically churns out terrible ideas like this and expects you to pay for them.
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