Thundersnow Hits The East Coast; Other Things Thundersnow Might Be?

By Mark Lorenz on January 26th, 2011

Biblical weather has been happening with continued regularity, leading laymen to believe that either the end of the world is coming, or the Lord really hates the east coast. Thundersnow is here.

Washington DC might not be able to produce any kind of political climate that is non-toxic and conducive to getting things done, but they can name their goddamn snowstorms. The latest? Thundersnow. A highly potent mixture of snow with thunderstorms. The eponymous title could refer to a variety of things other than toxic weather patterns, though, and we’ll run them down right now.

1. A Metal Band

This is the most obvious. Thundersnow is a group of 40-somethings with hair that drapes down to their calves, bloated faces which look like they’ve lost a staring contest with a Jameson bottle, who write songs exclusively about Helen of Troy. Fliers have been printed up featuring polar bears straddling clouds, boxing Zeus and the remaining sky-refuse their battles create rain down unmercifully on central Iowa.

2. A Fictional Native American Warlord

Deep in the cliffs of Arizona, Thundersnow made his home as a benevolent and thoughtful leader who would often kill bears in the night with an axe made from glaciers. The percussive sounds of his axe fragmenting bone would ring deep into the night and terrify his tribe’s children, who gave him the moniker.

3. Deviant Sexual Practices

You’ve heard of a Cleveland steamer, which is the only thing Cleveland has going for it currently, the Thundersnow is when you have sex so loud that your roommate confines you to freezing units. Where you continue to have raunchy, strident sex, despite the frost forming on your extremities. And the tingling that reminds you your heart is getting too cold to maintain proper pumping.