Yesterday, the Chicago Bears ended their run towards the Super Bowl by being edged ever so slightly by the Green Bay Packers — in one of the weirdest games of football I’ve ever seen.
It wasn’t weird that they were beaten – the Packers came out and played much better than they did – it was that a number of bizarre things happened whilst they were getting beaten. Firstly, Jay Cutler sat on the sideline with a knee injury looking like he was Death reincarnated as Jay Cutler. Or like your awkward uncle who gets drunk at family functions and ruins them. In this case – the NFC championship game. It understandably angered Chicagoans, and professional athletes who w and expressed their discontent in a variety of mediums – saying Cutler was a quitter, he should be embarrassed, he should be dragged out to Wrigleyville and let the mob do what they will. Secondly, they put in Todd Collins for no apparent reason. But here are some things Cutler should’ve done on the sideline to make it seem like he was actually injured.
1. Limp, Or Something
All Cutler did was stare off into space, like he could see something we couldn’t. Maybe he could. Maybe there was a distant uprising in Tunisia that he wanted to prevent and his superpowers were drawing him there – but he was stuck playing football. A situation which didn’t sit well with him — as he spent most of the game sitting.
2. Fashion A Crutch From Something, McGyver Style
Nothing will gain you more pity than hobbling around on a crutch made from Gatorade bottles and shoulderpads. Homemade crutches are much more pity-inducing than anything else. If Tiny Tim didn’t have crutches, his cough would just be annoying.
3. Wrap Himself Completely In Bandages
When bystanders see someone covered in bandages, they assume either a tragedy has happened or that they’re a mummy. Either of which could’ve decribed Cutler’s play in the first half.
4. Braid The Hair Of Todd Collins
I don’t know if any of you witnessed the Bears’ secondary quarterback, Todd Collins – but he looks like an emaciated cancer patient and plays like a frightened 14-year-old girl. So provided he has any hair, it probably needs a good braiding.
Damn you, Bears.
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