There’s a new Miss America. You might’ve missed the fact that the ceremony happened, slipping under the radar of playoff games, the Golden Globes, and other haphazard entertainments.
More importantly, our new Miss America is the youngest that we’ve ever had since the 1920’s. Which means the last time a Miss America was this young, she could be employed by a coal mine who looked the other way. While she did the Charleston.
53 beautiful women packed the Las Vegas Planet Hollywood Rest & Casino, put carmex on their lips to make them shiny, strutted a runway, and did their talents. Which included everything from tossing batons, ventriloquism acts (terrifying), and playing the piano. But one teenager (?) outshone them all. Teresa Scanlan of Nebraska managed to slay all the other contestants in a cage-match and remain the last one standing. She did it with chairs, she did it with swords, she bathed in the blood of her competitors and heard the cries of her foes as she drove them back to their homes, which she then razed with copious amounts of hairspray and matches. She showed no mercy. She is everything we could’ve hoped for.
Or she stood there and was the prettiest. In any case, congratulations, Teresa!