Blackbirds Mysteriously Die In Arkansas

By Mark Lorenz on January 3rd, 2011

Just when you thought it was safe to go out and celebrate the New Year, you get crushing reminders that the world will end next year — like flocks of dead birds falling from the sky.

What, you ask? There are dead birds falling from the sky. There are dead birds falling from the sky. In Arkansas, specifically, where I’d imagine it’d be the worst spot to be falling from the sky, because if you’re a bird that doesn’t die – you’re a bird whose trapped in Arkansas. With thousands of your dead friends around you.

But what killed the birds? Scientists have said that a freak weather event such as hail or lightning could have killed thousands of them. But conspiracy theorists have jumped on the bandwagon, saying that the government was conducting poison tests and managed to do the deed. Is the government that lame? That they’re killing thousands of birds?

That seems wayyy less evil than killing thousands of people. That’s the alternative, right? They’d be killing people instead of birds.

Anyway, I’m terrified. It’s the new year, and already birds are dying. That’s one gigantic bad omen falling over Arkansas – added to the fact that bunches of dead fish were found earlier.

We must party. While we still can. What’d be even weirder? If they all fell and died at once. And some poor guy was walking underneath it, steamed because he had a terrible day at work.