We’ve all had sex that was stunted and awkward because we couldn’t stop thinking of endangered animals. Wait, no-one else? Never mind. That totally didn’t happen to me.
I was talking about someone else. Seriously. When I have sex, I’m not thinking about baby seals being clubbed mercilessly. Just – boobies. But in case you are someone like me who totally doesn’t think about endangered animals, they’re making condoms specifically for you. Condoms that feature the likeness of endangered animals, reminding you not to contribute to overpopulation. Included are catch phrases. My favorite? ‘Wear a condom now, save the spotted owl.’ Somewhere there’s a spotted owl, thankful your jism isn’t taking root in the belly of some random.
There are a number of other things people could put on condoms in order to prevent overpopulation. Here are a few.
1. The audio of a crying child.
Think about that moment. You’re getting hot and heavy, go to your condom drawer — (Or sock. I don’t know how you roll.) and unwrap it to the tune of an angry baby. Not only would it prevent overpopulation by ensuring you wouldn’t get laid – you can pretty much tell any girl who was into it is baby crazy. Or normal crazy. And you shouldn’t be having sex with her.
2. Nearly impossible wrapping.
It’s hard enough to unwrap condom wrappers. If you make it so you have to McGyver your way into it, it’d ruin sex for the night. It might even ruin your hands permanently. Awkward injuries, party of one.
3. Images of your family.
Not your significant other. Your stern looking grandfather. With the look of disapproval he always castigated you with. How could you possibly have sex after that? You can’t. Unless you have severe, severe daddy issues.
For anyone who wants to get the condoms, so they could bump their hairy hippy mounds against each other, 50,000 were sent to volunteers to hand out on New Year’s Eve, one of the most popular days for condom using.
So wrap it up. And save the otters.
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