Everybody, stop what you’re doing. Seriously. I can’t even describe this – the joy it gives me is beyond the capacity for words.
The Shake Weight has been America’s joke for months now, promising to tighten and tone your body by giving an invisible man a vigorous, two-handed handjob. It’s like trying to beat off Zeus, if Zeus gave you a body like he had. Unfortunately, that’s not how you get in shape – and it’s the reason that we have so many fat people running around. They think that giving an invisible man a handjob will get them in shape – and that’s a ridiculous proposition.
Over in China, they have us beat. Entirely. Instead of using the shake weight to tone our bodies, they’re using electrode bras to make breasts grow larger. I’ll repeat that. Electrode bras. To make. Breasts grow larger. It’s like they went into the mind of the guy who made the movie The Cell and ripped out whatever he thought was would be an invention that you could sell at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
And the name? Top Charming Breast Stimulator. Look at those Chinese women. They’re so happy and shocked that their boobs have grown. Their enthusiasm is contagious. Now I want bigger boobs.
You can have them, with the Top Charming Breast Stimulator. Might it not be good to send electrical pulses into your heart? WHO CARES. BOOBIES.
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