If you’ve ever thought that life as a kept woman in the Playboy Mansion was all a bed of roses and elderly pornographic excursions, think again. Life is always far, far crueler.
For a long time, Hugh Hefner has been doddering and unaware of where he is. He’s like a Wal-Mart greeter with a captain’s hat on. At least these days. But because of the system he’s set in place for women fucking their way to the top – he’s doddering with a bunch of hot blondes that would ordinarily never look at him as anything more than a man who keeps driving extremely slowly in front of them on the interchange. But someone who recently escaped from the Playboy Mansion’s palace of pussy has painted a grim picture of life – it’s not all bells and whistles. It’s not all roses and puppies. So sayeth Izabella St James.
In fact, there are too many puppies. To the point where Hugh Hefner spends most of his day cleaning up after dogs that aren’t housebroken. There’s a joke there about housebreaking your bitches.
In other news, Crystal Harris — Hef’s new fiancée — has revealed that she wants a wedding in the summer with just good friends and family around. Meaning, she wants to get married faster than the Roadrunner knocks over street signs.
In addition, it turns out that to be a live-in girlfriend of Hugh Hefner, you get a salary of 1000 a week. Meaning, they’re like whorey landlords — not paid well, but with insane lodgings.