Put the razor down. I know what you’re doing. You’re sad that Natalie Portman won’t be able to return your affections because it will violate the social mores of a marriage, something that Natalie Portman wouldn’t approve of because she’s typically so fair-minded and reputable. Life is something that you see as meaningless without a shining beacon like Natalie Portman guiding you towards an endgame – but it’s not worth it. You are worth more than that. V for Vendetta may be on repeat in your apartment, you may have a pile of Queen Amidala action figures – and Star Wars Episode III may be your favorite movie.
But your life is worth more than that. More than ironic shorts made by the SNL crew, or psychotic lesbian dramas like Black Swan. So put down the razor. Just because she’s marrying the choreographer of Black Swan who is better looking than you and has more dance skills doesn’t mean that you need to end it all.
Wait, she’s also pregnant?