And that’s what Hugh Hefner has done. Against all odds, he’s managed to land himself a hot blonde who’s willing to put up with being penetrated by something that’s over 80 years old repeatedly. Usually the only time people get penetrated by things that are over 80 years old, they’re catching splinters from trees. Angry trees. But Crystal Harris will be catching no angry trees, just the tail end of a disintegrating, once dominant softcore porn company. She’s 24 years old, but has the appearance of someone in her mid-30’s. Why is it that most of the people Playboy go for have the dichotomy of looking like they’re in their 40’s while only being their 20’s while having the mentality of 15-year-olds? It’s a lot to take in.
The announcement was made, like all romantic entanglements, on Twitter. Apparently Crystal started crying once she provided him with a ring. She should’ve started crying once he showed her how the Playboy brand has slipped to the point where they feature Marge Simpson on the cover.
Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy you a wife.