East Coast Being Pummelled By Snow, Possibly God

By Mark Lorenz on December 27th, 2010

Possibly in retribution for Jersey Shore and Gossip Girl, the northeast is getting pounded by storms reminiscent of the hellish snowfalls of last year.

It’s beyond ridiculous. People from New York to New Jersey to Philadelphia can’t go outside, as the weather has stacked up more than three feet of snow in some places, halting travel entirely in some places and preventing businesses from selling pretty much anything. So if you’re looking to find ways to kill some time in the snow, here are some quick tips to turn this winter from freezing to fun.

1. Kill Someone

You might be saying, ‘But Mark, I’m not a murderer!’ Of course you’re not. But you’ve seen horror movies. You’ve seen how people react when the going gets tough. There will be deaths, and there will be bodies that are frozen and never recovered because they get consumed by wolves. Or bears. Or whatever else lingers outside in the snowy urban jungle. So you’re probably trapped inside with family members – and they are annoying. If you’re adventurous and have no fear of consequence, go for it. No-one will know.

2. Make The World’s Largest Snowman

There are some areas that have over three feet of snow. You only need maybe 3 inches to build yourself a decent snowman. Build a snowman that’d interfere with air traffic control. Take pictures of a giant snow Godzilla attacking your house. The resources are available – you may need to construct yourself a giant snow-ladder to get to the upper portions. I have faith in you.