San Francisco Bans Happy Meals

By Mark Lorenz on November 3rd, 2010

Congratulations, San Francisco. By definition, your children will no longer have the capacity for happiness. Because San Francisco has banned all happy meals.

That’s right, collectively the Bay has risen up to overthrow the evil specter of the Hamburgler. Looming over their children to snatch their functioning heart valves in the night. And replace them with clogged, delicious substitutes. Also, happy meals. Although it’s a weird thing to be banning the access of anything to a populace that wants it (yay, capitalism), they have their reasons. And they are enumerated as such.

- The meal can’t exceed 600 calories

- Less than 35 percent of the calories can come from fat (nuts, nut butters, low-fat cheese excepted)

- It’s required to have a half cup of vegetables

- Breakfast meals are required to have a half cup of fruit

- Sodium limits

- A multigrain requirement

Clearly, the happy meal is in violation of all these rules. And furthermore, they’ve been making more and more crappy happy meal toys since the early 90’s. At this point, they don’t even merit the purchase of a happy meal.

But you won’t have that option now, children of San Francisco. I’m going to eat a happy meal slowly, in front of you, just so you’re fully aware of the heart disease you’re missing.