You know what I’ve never viewed as erotic? Chess. Chess seems as erotic an activity as watching your paint dry, or engaging in a hearty game of poker. But I need to see it with new eyes.
Or spend an obscene amount of money on a chessboard that promises nights of returned passion with other people who view chess as erotic. So a legion of cross-eyed hotties from the bloc in Eastern Europe would be able to come over, strip down, and enjoy themselves with rooks in their nooks. All up in their nooks. There’s an upscale erotic shop known as Kiki de Montparnasse – which specializes in making your board games fuckable. I know you’ve always wanted to get off to Candyland, but without a gigantic leap in your imaginary cognitive processes, there’s no way anybody in Candyland is remotely hot.
Anyway, Kiki de Montparnasse (the name a stripper would get if she married into a royal family) has released a chess board where all 32 pieces vibrate and resemble penises that have gold-plated finishing. Penises with gold-plated finishing. If I were an oil baron, or a sultan, my turban and monocle wouldn’t just drop, they’d explode with delight.
I mean, I’ve played strip chess. But this sounds way more fun.
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