Most confirmed cases of douchebaggery occur without the knowledge of the douche himself, so it’s important that you recognize the symptoms of this dangerous and embarrassing condition. Self-assessing your personal level of douchebaggery and undertaking immediate preventative treatment is vitally important if you want to avoid the scorn of the cool people you’re desperately trying to emulate.
If at least two of these five warning signs apply to you, it’s time to do something before your condition becomes terminal:
You brag about money. Crowing about your earnings is a douche thing to do, plain and simple. Don’t walk around crowded public places having overly loud cell phone conversations about the robust health of your finances, don’t tell new acquaintances that you made a killing last year, and don’t try to impress babes at a bar by pulling out a wad of $100 bills. The only person who should care about how much money you make is you. (Note: you should also substitute “money” for “cars,” and “the number of hot babes I’ve banged this year” and perform separate reassessments.)
Your entire wardrobe consists of branded clothing. This says to the world: “I’m an insecure douchebag who is utterly devoid of creativity and needs to be told what’s cool and what isn’t by giant heartless corporations who prey upon the insecurities of douchebags like me to line their coffers with money I would be bragging about earning if I hadn’t spent it on overpriced clothes that are utterly devoid of creativity.”
You have exclusive tastes in books, music and/or movies. If you loudly proclaim Writer X as “pedestrian and derivative,” Musician Y as “uninspired and corporatized” and Movie Z as “hackneyed and uncinematic,” shut up and stop being such a douche. (Note: you’re a doubly large douche if you make such statements without having read the book, listened to the album or watched the movie.)
You work on your screenplay at Starbucks. Real writers are neurotic, unshaven alcoholics who pace obsessively, murmur incomprehensibly and hurl failed drafts at their walls in the privacy of their own homes. Remember that.
You talk about how cool you are. Nobody who’s actually cool needs the endorsement of the rest of the world to feel cool. They’re just cool. It’s a very Zen kind of thing. So if you find yourself boasting about your “sick” weekend hoping that the cute girl in human resources overhears you while she’s walking past the water cooler, then you’ve got more douche in you than any man should be proud of.
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