And the children wept their bitter, fat tears.
Here in America, we do things that apparently other countries don’t do. I was told by a group of Australians that in koala-land, they don’t dip their apples in chocolate.
I didn’t bother asking if they dipped theirs in the tears of aborigines, but the point still stands – we are a nation of fat people. Obesity has become a silent but deadly killer, and you can hear the footsteps of corpulence in the night resound across the pavement anywhere in America like so many drums beaten by irritated nutritionists. There was even a show, heavily promoted by Ryan Seacrest, where Jamie Oliver tried to change school lunches — so children wouldn’t wind up dead and in ditches from eating their own body weight in french fries.
That was in a town called Huntington, West Virginia. Which recently landed in the news for removing ALL THE SWINGSETS FROM THEIR PLAYGROUNDS. All of them. Because children were getting hurt on them.
Here’s a tip, Huntington, West Virginia. Kids will hurt themselves on anything that you put in front of them. Especially fat ones. I could put a fluffy puppy on top of a pyramid of soft foam, and somebody’d find a way to throw the puppy away and choke on soft foam. Within 30 seconds. Especially if there were little holes in the foam, similar to swiss cheese.