5 Steps to Stealing Her from Her Loser Boyfriend

By James K on August 27th, 2010

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She’s perfect.

Your knees buckled the second you laid eyes on her. It was love and lust at first sight, and you’re confused as hell because those two things aren’t supposed to go together. “Don’t get too excited,” you tell yourself as you breathe deeply in a vain attempt to normalize your heart rate. “She couldn’t possibly be single.”

And you’re right. She’s not. But her boyfriend is not the Nordic god you’d imagined. In fact, he’s kind of wimpy. Or dorky. Or fat. Or bald. Or ugly. Or all of the above. That such a beautiful woman should end up with such a lesser man is a sin against nature…a sin you’re going to correct, dammit.

But how? By deviously and ruthlessly breaking them up, that’s how. And here’s how to do it:

1. Be friends first. You’re going to put her on the defensive if you come on too strong. Instead, just be friends with her. Really. Just friends. Nothing more. Don’t flirt with her, don’t make suggestive remarks and, above all, don’t lay a finger on her. That comes later. 
2. Listen to her problems. Why is it so crucial to be “friends first?” Because you’ll gain her trust, and once you’ve proven yourself to be the kind of honorable man who wouldn’t dare try to steal another man’s girl, she’ll open up to you. All relationships have problems. Eventually, you’ll hear about them.
3. Position yourself as the solution. Show, don’t tell. Words mean nothing; you’ll get a lot more mileage out of a subtle demonstration of your superiority than you will by blurting out your intentions. If, for example, she complains that her boyfriend is too frugal, pick up the lunch check (and play it off like it’s no big deal, even if it means you’ll have to get a payday loan to cover your groceries). If she feels taken for granted, slip in a benign, non-suggestive compliment on her nail polish or eyelashes or earrings or anything else that shows you’re paying attention to the finer details.
4. Indicate your interest. If you’ve played your cards right to this point, she should be starting to see the light. She thinks you’re smart, funny and a gentleman. Now’s the time to start mining for the moment when the sparks start to fly. Let your eye contact linger. Give her a gentle touch on the arm as you open the door for her. Add a goodbye hug to the mix if you hang out with her one-on-one.
5. Get her drunk. Ah, alcohol: tonic for our anxieties, loosener of our inhibitions. You eventually have to make a move if you want to get with her, and you’ll be less nervous about it if you’ve had a couple drinks. As a side bonus, she’ll probably be more receptive. Just make sure you’re pleasantly buzzed, not falling-down drunk. And hey, if she shoots you down, you can always order that double bourbon on the rocks to put yourself over the edge and delay the awful feeling of rejection until the next morning.