I know you were really worried. I know you were holding your breath with anticipation, waiting until Lindsay Lohan got paid – as if you were driving past a graveyard.
But rest your weary head. Despite being surrounded by crazy people, Lindsay Lohan is still alive – and amazingly out of jail or a coffin. Which she should get props for. It’s like how Miley Cyrus is named Miley Cyrus and has amazingly managed not to impregnate herself on a fence – a modern pop culture miracle. Not only is she alive, she’s actually going to make a decent paycheck for the first time it what probably will be a lifetime for her – by selling her prison story to the tabloids. For a million dollars. One MILLION dollars.
Hear that, unemployed Americans? All you need to do to get a huge paycheck is ascend to a spot of international celebrity and mess your life up irreparably. Then when you go on shows to baww your eyes out amid stories of how you’ve lost your perspective and your path, you can spritz your fave with sprayable liquid gold on the way out.
Oh, America. Your priorities are hilarious. Lindsay will also still be starring in the Linda Lovelace biopic – in addition to starring in a movie by Vince from Shamwow. WE’VE HIT THE BIG TIME.