If you’ve ever needed more examples, more indications that Hollywood is out of ideas, and is a generally a cesspool where they go to die – here’s number 10,082. Rihanna is going to be in the movie adaptation of Battleship.
The movie adaptation of Battleship. The board game, where you call out tepid letter and number combinations until something exciting happens. This’ll be alongside the big-screen adaptations of Candyland, Monopoly, the Magic-8 Ball, and the Viewmaster. Not only are they making a movie out of it, they’ve cast it with tertiary television characters – Alexander Skaarsgard, Taylor Kitsch, and now Rihanna. I don’t know if a 90-foot screen will be able to take Rihanna’s massive forehead, but Godspeed to the scientists who’ll have that coordinate that job.
The plot? A fleet of Navy vessels will have to battle aliens. I’d be amazed if this movie makes it out of development hell, because if aliens are invading the earth, and they have problems dealing with naval battleships, they probably shouldn’t be invading other planets.
“Admiral Zardoz, there’s a ship heading straight for us!!!”
“How fast is it going?!”
“3 knots.”
“…….”
“…….”
“Call Rihanna. She’s one of us.”
Or something similar. You can look forward to Battleship in theaters the same week you hear the sweat pounding of the hoofs of the four horsemen, coming to take you to 2012.
