New Facts About Jesus May Shock You

By Mark Lorenz on June 25th, 2010

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Pump the brakes, MF’ers. Everything you know about Jesus could be wrong.

Then again, your knowledge of Jesus might be different based on where you are regionally. Like, in half-rural Illinois we learned that Jesus was a white man, who managed to wander around the desert for decades without getting sunburned. Which doesn’t make sense. If he were white, he’d have to be constantly touching himself to repair all the damage the desert sun caused by beating down on him. Just one giant collection of holy tumors.

But according to a theologian who I’m sure will be receiving numerous angry letters starting NOW, Jesus couldn’t have died on the cross, because there’s absolutely no evidence that Romans crucified prisoners two thousand years ago. Instead, the translation that’s mentioned in the Bible could also refer to a pole. So Jesus was lugging a pole to his final destination. Let’s hope it wasn’t for Mary Magdalene.

His name is Gunnar Samuelsson, and he has testes of steel. Although earlier, there’s been some discrepancies, as the Romans surely wouldn’t have buried the people that they crucified. Instead, they’d leave them out to be devoured by the wildlife.

But that wouldn’t happen to Jesus. He’d just tame them. He’s like the horse whisperer.

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