Hair can be a manly thing, that macho mustache, that robust beard, that carpet on your chest – but it can also be disgusting. Hair that grows in areas like the back, the nape of your neck, shoulders, your nose, your ears and your brow (unibrow anyone?) can be rather repulsive. Some people have more of an issue with this than others, but just about every man will experience unwanted hair as they age – believe it.
Yes, women have unwanted hair issues as well, but they generally don’t have to deal with hair that is beyond reach (but what do I know? I’m a guy).
Men on the other hand have to depend on their significant other to help them out or have to pay others to treat it (back waxing) or cure it (laser hair removal). While getting help is fine, it still ends up feeling like grooming day at the zoo or something, a somewhat humiliating experience that must be endured for the benefit of the rest of humanity.
It’s truly humbling to realize that once upon a time you were once proud to rip the shirt off your back in the heat of summer and now you’re afraid that you’ll be mistaken as an escaped gorilla from the zoo.
So why the heck don’t we have a man-lazor yet? (Yeah, I spelled it that way on purpose as in laser + razor = lazor kind of way – get it?). The man-lazor would be a device that could zap your body hair while giving you a close shave at the same time. I’m not talking about laser hair removal here either – where the hair follicle is destroyed – the lazor would merely crop hair as close to the skin as possible (or your money back).
How would this thing work?
I imagine that it could be installed in a shower stall; you walk in naked and stand still while you’re scanned by the imaging system. The computer would then know where your hair ends and where your skin begins. You would then choose the areas to be cropped and the laser would do its thing. You’d probably have to wear some sort of high-tech sunglasses, and perhaps something to cover your head and neither regions – otherwise the lasers would have full access to destroy those unwanted hairs. They’d have to include some sort of fail-safe so that if you sneeze you don’t have your nose or ear lopped off by mistake – that would suck.
The process would take seconds. Your body type would be memorized so that the initial scan could be bypassed to happen once a week or so just in case you happen to put on some extra pounds. The beauty of this system is that you could shave everyday (or even multiple times a day) in seconds, you wouldn’t lose your ability to grow a beard or have stubble (for the times when you want that slightly unkempt look) and you could do away with razors and shaving products. Best of all, you could do this yourself in the privacy of the bathroom rather than pay or goad others to help you with your personal grooming. The man-lazor is the ultimate shaving solution of the future.
Back in the 80’s lasers were the answer to everything. The Star Wars program (a.k.a. lasers from space) was the answer to being nuked to oblivion by the commies and even Superman was depicted in the comic books as shaving with lasers (okay, technically it’s called heat-vision – but whatever). Enough with wasting their potential on pointer, printers and DVD players – lasers are here to make us look sexy dammit!
However, like most of the things that should have come standard with life beyond 2001 or so – the man-lazor doesn’t exist yet. Perhaps it’s being suppressed along with cold fusion technology, the cure for aids and those little alien carcasses from the Roswell crash site. Either that or they’re worried about accidental decapitation.
Sadly, while Gillette is apparently researching laser technology to use in their future shaving products, most of these are be geared to women. That may change however, since advertisers are working around the clock to make men feel just as self conscious as women by targeting wrinkle creams, hair coloring products and boob surgery commercials directly at men.
The alternative to the man-lazor is to grow old gracefully with the peace of mind that comes from knowing that it isn’t about the way we look, but the contribution that we make to serve others and society as a whole. We can choose to look beyond the cosmetic shortcomings of ourselves and others and become more accepting…
Yeah, like that’ll ever happen – bring on the lazors!
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