Magic Eight-Ball Will Be Turned Into A Movie

By Mark Lorenz on April 28th, 2010

Does this suck? Signs point to yes.

I feel like Hollywood is slowly turning into a bad R&B song. To the point where if they weren’t completely serious about making board games into properties, we’d be making fun of their proclivities.

Only we can’t now, because they’re going to turn every board game that’s ever been boarded into a movie. Which means they will be spending millions of dollars trying to make board games and novelty gifts into franchises. Which means that Hollywood is filled with almost functional illiterates.

To illustrate this point: look at a magic eight-ball. It’s a tiny, gag gift that you shake and ask questions to, and if you believe there’s a tiny god inside of it that can answer your questions omnisciently, it’s a fun time. However, if you’re over the age of twelve and you own a magic eight-ball, you will be asking it questions like, “Will my parents ever be able to get a real job so I they can buy me real toys? Should I kill John Lennon? Why does Parkinson’s make this so much easier?” Or, if you’re a Hollywood executive, “Can you be a million-grossing film franchise?”

There’s a place for eight-balls in Hollywood. But that place is the on the toilet of the Rainbow Bar & Grill. Not in theaters. Ya douches.