Librarians Are Kinky

By Mark Lorenz on April 20th, 2010

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Hey, everybody! Guess what? I’m about to validate all your deeply held sexual beliefs about librarians. Which is awesome for you, but painful for me, because my mom’s a librarian. Which means she’s probably a dirty bird.

Have you ever looked at a librarian and just known that she was pawing at herself between readings of Shel Silverstein and Gustav Flaubert? Suspected that she was looking at the latest International Male catalogue and Danielle Steele novels for motivations other than academic or literary? Just known there was something evil and devilish hiding behind their glasses? You were absolutely right. A new study, which has been shelved since 1992 reveals that 1 in 5 librarians have admitted to having sexual trysts between the shelves. Using the beanbag chairs for things other than seating for children interested in reading young adult novels.

But this raises a number of questions.

Such as: why am I not dating a librarian? Why on earth was this study hidden from the public? It can’t be to get libraries more publicity, since quite a few of them are being closed – was everybody just too busy wearing flannel and trying to get the hair out of their eyes? In addition, 51% of librarians would be willing to pose in the nude for money, and 61% admitted renting X-rated movies.

Jesus. Christ. I wish all surveys were conducted by a men with obvious, barely-masked fetishes. It’d make the world a better place.

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