Certain types of Playstation 3s are experiencing connection failures while attempting to connect to the Sony network, leaving gamers unable to go online and compete or cooperate with one another. Sony is asking its customers to be patient while the problem is resolved and they can go back to playing their beloved Playstation 3’s. In the interest of public service, for Manolith readers who might be unfamiliar with what it is like to have 24 hour access to online video games, Manolith is providing this handy guide to things you can do while your Playstation is being fixed.
1. Talk To Your Girlfriend: She’s been right there the whole time. Patiently waiting for you to turn to her, to ask her about her day, to tell her about your day. Her arms folded in her lap. Her apron pressed and clean. A broom in one hand, and a steak in the other. She shaved down there because she knew your sexuality was connected to youth. But you were too busy yelling obscenities at fourteen year olds who were better than you at Call of Duty to notice. Use this opportunity to reconnect. This could very well be the thing that saves your relationship until several hours from now when the Sony network goes back online and you can only get aroused physically by the thought of a winning the medal for most head shots in a single round of play.
2. Talk To A Girl, Any Girl: While it’s not technically true that all hardcore gamers have trouble talking to women, it is in fact technically true. Those problems are exacerbated when its four p.m. they haven’t showered in four days, and they’re sitting in their underwear with the shades closed taking Excedrin to dull the headache that they’ve developed from playing video games to long, so that they can keep playing. Now might be a good time to slap some baking soda up under those arm pits, pull the curtains back, and talk to a gal or two. Start of easy. Wait in the darkness until the mail lady comes by, then when she is about to put your mail in the mail box, strike up a conversation. Whatever you do, do not talk about the mail, how much you cry, or “Battlestar Galactica”.
3. Read a Book: What are books, you might ask. Books are like video games that you can’t play. Instead of you controlling the action, the action is predetermined by someone you’ve never met who controls exactly where the action is headed and you are merely along for the ride. Sound fascist? Well, yeah, I guess it does sound pretty fascist. Books are like fascist video games. Do not read them. They can go to hell.
4. Call Mom and Dad A Call: They miss you. They remember a son who liked the outdoors. Who delighted at the feel of a warm ray of sunlight falling through the trees and dappling his face with light. Do not talk to them in person, because frankly your pale gamer skin, desire not to wear pants in your own house, and your severe case of “permanent Mountain Dew” jitters will only sadden them. Just call them, and say things to them like, “I am doing well,” and, “I think I’m going to go back to community college.” Do not say things to them like, “I just got hit by a frag grenade on a prison planet made of ice in the fictional reality I’ve made my new home.”
5. Get Some Exercise: You don’t even have to leave your house. There are all sorts of fun exercises you can do in the comfort of your own home. Exercises like push-ups, sit-ups, and the always popular running from the far end of your studio apartment to the near end. If you eat an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos after having exercised, the exercise does not count.
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