There’s Nothing Unsafe About Coal

By Daniel Dominguez on April 9th, 2010

Hey guys, this is Coal. Yes, this is the actual product Coal itself talking. You know, a lot of people having been calling me, and the gathering of me unsafe. Well, I just wanted to let you guys know that that couldn’t be further from the truth. And I thought, what better forum than an online men’s entertainment blog to make my case for myself?

Listen, I’ve been around for a long time guys. Heating your houses, powering your trains, turning myself into diamonds for your wedding rings, I do a lot of good. All this hum drum about me giving of Co2 couldn’t be further from the truth. Why would I expel a chemical that hurts you guys? I love you guys! The only thing I expel is good will towards all men. Ask anybody! Or you can just ask me, Coal, I’ll tell it to ya straight!

OK, I’ll be honest. I give off a little Co2. Just a little. But come on, man. Without me, how are you going to barbecue? What’s that you say? You could use propane? Wood? Or a variety of other cleaner burning fuels? Hey, man, why don’t you back off. Why don’t you just back right off.

Hey, hey. I’m sorry about that. I got a little out of my head there for a second. I am Coal after all, sometimes I can get a little heated. Ha. Ha. So hey, we’re friends right? It’s cool.

Now I’d like to address another concern a few people have brought up. They say the gathering of me is unsafe. Come now. For shame. Nothing could be further from the truth. What do you mean I already used that phrase? So what? It’s a good phrase.

I am very safe to harvest. Coal mines aren’t like they portray them on the news. Miners work all day gathering me inside them, singing Bruce Springsteen songs. Often times the friendly animals that live in the mine will join in with the songs. Friendly animals like water snakes, bats, razor spiders, and scavenger beetles. And, as is common knowledge, rich veins of Strawberry Kool-Aid always run parallel to veins of Coal, so when they’re mining for me, often miners will accidentally strike a Strawberry Kool-Aid vein and get doused in a refreshing spray of sugary, fruity goodness.

What’s that? You say coal mines aren’t like that? Well, I’m Coal, so I think I would know what are in the mines that I’m in.

What’s that? You can watch video footage of life in a coal mine on Youtube and no one was singing with a bat or getting sprayed with Kool-Aid?

OK fine, I made some of that stuff up. So what if I’m highly polluting and people that gather me are subject to lung disease and other more immediate dangers? I make hot dogs taste great! I made hot dogs taste fucking great! Have you tried a hot dog cooked with propane? It’s not the same! It’s still very good but it’s not the same!

I’m… so… alone. Won’t someone, anyone, gather and process me? I’m so very… alone.