Tiger Woods Paid One Of His Mistresses 10 Million

By Mark Lorenz on April 1st, 2010

With this, we can be incontrovertibly sure of one thing. Tiger Woods has some kink to him. Nasty, glove-sniffing, blow-up doll violating kink.

When you have cheated on your wife with about 15 different women, and that’s the low estimate, that’s pretty much a given. But when you cheat on your wife, gives payouts a bunch of them, including 10 million for one to keep her mouth shut, you’re either really kinky or really paranoid. Which makes you even more kinky. New information has been revealed that Tiger Woods payed Rachel Uchital 10 million dollars not to give a press conference detailing their relationship. Which basically would be extortion, if it were any other venue.

What could be worth 10 million dollars to cover up? Did Tiger Woods kill a man during rough foreplay gone terribly wrong? Did he have the habit of raiding local pounds to find sex partners for the legions of pornstars waiting in his closet? What could be so bad that it’s worth ten million dollars not for someone to tell? This is beyond being gossip, into the realm of being genuinely disconcerting.

I know professional athletes generally pay off their mistresses with diamonds, jewelry, and promises of babies to come, but seriously? We already know you messed up. We already know that you have a legion of golddiggers waiting to molest your frothy loins.