Miley Cyrus Almost Fully Human

By Daniel Dominguez on March 22nd, 2010

Miley Cyrus was originally built by Billy Ray Cyrus in 2006 as a war machine to destroy all those who had opposed him in the 1990’s. Bitter over his incredible rise, and almost immediate subsequent fall from the limelight, Cyrus spent the next years going to school to study physics and engineering so that he could use what was left of his fortune to built a cyborg to get revenge on the world for forgetting him. But when he was done building the robot that he named “Miley” (after “Miley the Vengeful” a 14th century monk who went on a killing spree in his monastery after all the other monks called him a shitty singer) he found that he had screwed up again. He had meant to equip her throat with a powerful miniature fully automatic machine pistol, so that when she opened her mouth she could blow away who ever was in front of her, but he had accidentally built her with impressive vocal chords instead. Also, because she was a robot and had no fear, she excelled at acting. He then thought better of his plan to use Miley Cyrus to kill us all, and decided instead to use her to make money.

Since then Miley Cyrus has been touring the world singing, and getting high ratings with her popular Disney show. Each week the show combines the morality of a 16th century Christian fundamentalist with the intellect of a ham sandwich to the delight of children around the world. Miley is growing more popular than Billy Ray could ever hope to be, but as long as he controls her with his satellite up link he’ll be fine.

But one night a fairy came into Miley’s room at night when Miley was crying and asked her what was wrong.

“I want to be human Miley says. I see how happy human beings are and I want to be one of them. Also, Billy Ray has me get up in the middle of the night every night and make him fried chicken sandwiches, and I’m always ever so tired.” So the fairy told Miley that all she needed to do was three good deeds, and the fairy would transform Miley into a real girl.

Miley has already done two good deeds, she rescued a puppy from a burning building in 2007, and in 2009 she donated to UNICEF. But then she released “Party In The U.S.A.” which was such a bad deed that it negated one of the good deeds. So she still has two good deeds to go. But Billy Ray Cyrus better be careful, if Miley Cyrus becomes human then he won’t be able to control her remotely, and he’ll have to find a new way to make money. We already know singing isn’t going to cut it. He’s not a great actor. The only logical choice he’ll have at that point will be to use his new found millions to build an army of Miley Cyruses to take over America and declare himself king. And then, my friends, woe unto us. Woe unto us all.