Brilliant School Board Bans Hugs

By Mark Lorenz on March 20th, 2010

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So, you remember how when you were in school, excited to see other people and you’d hug them, but then the entire educational system would collapse around you? You don’t remember that? Well, a schoolboard in Oregon does. They’ve banned hugging.

Can you imagine a world without hugs? You will, once you read my newly minted children’s book, “The World Without Hugs,” which ends in a nuclear holocaust and a rendition of Mr. Big’s “To Be With You” by an apocalyptic choir. But this is beyond the premise of a brilliant soon-to-be million selling children’s book. This is a very real problem in a myriad of very real problems Oregon has. Like, logging. Or animals learning to read. You know, Oregon problems.

The school in question is Portland’s West Sylvan Middle School. Where hugging is such a huge problem that it distracts students from their schoolwork and brilliant careers in the future in such non-hugging fields as phone sales and Ultimate Fighting. Principal Allison Couch, in what probably is the most revealing thing she could say about her own love life, has accused the school of having “a virus of hugs”. The parents of students even complained, saying their children were being pressured into a culture of hugs.

Now I am complaining. If your students are being distracted by hugs, please don’t let them out of the house. I’m not sure they can function in the real world. Or they can, but they should be put in offices RIGHT AWAY.

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