5. Leprechaun Movie Marathon
Forgot Wicket or Willow, The Leprechaun will be Warwick Davis’ legacy performance. Much like Chucky, this is a series that defies rational fear expectations (seriously, dude’s tiny — you can’t get that handled?). Start with your evening with the Jennifer Aniston-starring first entry, and end with Leprechaun in the Hood, and you’re talking about an entire evening of awesome. Add a drinking game where you shoot whiskey every time he utters “I Want Me Gold” and you’ve got a bowl of regret served up hot.
4. Change Your Last Name to Something Irish
It’s been my personal experience that the Irish have a heritage pride that is equal to none. Unlike those that come from say, Russian or Spanish heritage, those who spring from the emerald isle take FULL OWNERSHIP of their roots. Even if they’re only a fifth, three-times removed from a great uncle, they’re still full-blooded Irish. Can-drink-more-than-you-listen-to-Sublime-get-a-shamrock-tattoo Irish. So, if you feel a little adrift, like you don’t belong, trade that Smith for an O’Brien or O’Hallerahan and join the global tribe.
3. Fist Fight!
Know someone that needs a good ass kicking, but you’re a responsible adult? Well, here comes St. Patrick’s Day to help you out. Forget the whole religious beginnings thing and get to the heart of Irish Arbitration: Fist to the jaw. Will it spare you jail time? Probably not. But if you can say you washed your bacon and cabbage down with too much ale, and you’re really sorry, you may get away with some community service. Besides, how many times do you need to tell your neighbor to get their clothes out of the dryer in a reasonable amount of time? If it’s with your fist, just once. (Editor’s Note: This author is not a lawyer. This is not legal advice. This is unbridled, poorly thought out fantasy.)
2. Hook Up With An Ex
Didn’t quite get them out of your system? Been a while? Take the universal Mulligan and meet up with a feisty ex “for a quick St. Patrick’s Day drink.” And then lean back, light a match, and toss it on that powder keg.
1. Drink
Duh. But don’t drink alone. Even if that’s your favorite past time, get out of the house and join your people. Kind of like how Halloween gives every woman in the country permission to kind of whore-out, St. Patrick’s Day gives the entire country permission to relive the ill-advised drinking hayride of their 20s (and probably late teens and early thirties, depending). Get yourself a funny giant hat, start at about noon, and let it ride.
Oh, and don’t be that guy gets hammered and drives. I don’t care if your last name is O’Leary and “you drive better a little buzzed.”
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