The History Of St. Patrick As Told By A Drunk Guy On St. Paddy’s Day At Two In the Morning.
“It all started when… so it all started when… this guy this Fucking guy, it… all started when… oh god.” *running noises, throwing up noises, returning from the bathroom noises*
“Where wuz I? *hiccup* About the guy… that St. Patrick I was gonna talk aboutim’ancuzyouwereaskin’me FUCK YEAH SHOW YOUR TITS!” *watches girl show her tits*
“So St. Patrick was a dude, that much we know for sure, and he loved to go to the candy store cuz ummm… *hiccup* he wanted a magic chocolate ticket and he got it and his grandpa was so proud. So…. so proud.” *tries not to cry, vomits a little bit*
“An’ so St. Patrick and these other kids, one of them was a fat one! HAH! They go to the Chocolate factory and the fat one gets killed and everyone learns something from watching his death unfold. Unfoooooold. fold. mold. fool’s gold. gold bowl. dole. bananas! they make… bananas and oranges. I think I’m gonna be sick…no no, no. I’m gonna be OK.
So St. Patrick gets in Mr. Wonka’s elevator and he loves it and that’s why we celebrate St. Patrick’s day. *hiccup* because… because of…. Mr. Wonka…. *hiccup*… and his great gifts…. which he shared…. with the world.” *passes out, another drunk guy walks over and pisses on him, then steals his giant green hat*.