Top Ten Things Not To Buy At a 99 Cents Store

By Daniel Dominguez on March 15th, 2010

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I’ve been a man of low means for quite some time. As such, I have spent much of my shopping time at the 99 cent store. The 99 cent store has an impressive array of items for under a dollar. You can buy anything from rejected soda flavors like “Pork” and “Savory” to single episode DVDs of failed sitcoms from the ’50s and ’60s. But not everything in the 99 cent store is something that you should purchase. There are items that have less than stellar quality control there. Below is a list of some items at the 99 cent store that are better left unpurchased.

1. Canned Tuna Steak:

I should have known not to buy this when there was a sticker on the packaging that said “Now Less Contaminated!”

2. A DVD Player:

A 99 cent DVD player sounds like a steal, and while it did work, it unfortunately was only able to play movies starring Timothy Hutton.

3. Toothpaste:

The main active ingredient in this toothpaste is “grime,” the main inactive ingredient is “loathing.”

4. Fire Alarm:

The biggest problem with 99 cent store fire alarms is that rather than beeping during a fire they just make fire noises.

5. Pregnancy Test:

If your boyfriend buys you a pregnancy test at the 99 cent store, leave him immediately.

6. Condoms:

They’re the only condoms I’m aware of that are made entirely of Hawaiian sweet bread.

7. Beer:

To save money, 99 cent store brand beer uses spoiled discount cologne instead of alcohol for its mind-dulling effect.

8. Pets:

The dogs they sell at the 99 cent store are almost always large rats that they have glued German Shepard masks on.

9. Nuclear Enriched Uranium-238:

They say it’s weapons grade, but it’s rarely weapons grade.

10. Kathy Griffin:

It is the real Kathy Griffin, but is that something you really want in your own home?