The almost universally reviled “Predator 2″ was criticized for ruining everything that was good about the first “Predator” movie, but critics should take a second look. The second Predator film actually had quite a bit going for itself in its own right. First, it continued in the fine, long-lasting and classic tradition of whiny sidekick Bill Paxton rolls. Nothing satisfies like seeing Bill Paxton be really upset for forty minutes only to be torn in half by something from outer space. Second, it had easily one of the best, most kickass subway crazy-pile-of-murders scenes in film history. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the Predator tear its way through a human circus on the Los Angeles subway, it is almost as awe inspiring and gory as the scene where Jessica Tandy goes ape shit and kills forty people at close range with a Swiss Army knife during the shocking, gory conclusion of the classic film “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Third, there is the crazy Rastafarian Voodoo worshiping drug dealer who makes no sense whatsoever in the film but is just plain enjoyable to watch that every now and again appears in the film, shakes some skulls at somebody, and then goes away again. But most importantly, the highlight of the film, is Danny Glover. Nothing says “the Predator is going down” like friendly, salt-and-pepper haired Danny Glover. People argued that Danny Glover was a strange choice to follow up Arnold as the guy that kills the Predator, but Danny Glover and Arnold have more in common than first meets the eye. First off, they are both Geminis, and it is a well known fact that Geminis are fickle, financially prudent, and are born with the knowledge that if you cover yourself in cool mud you are invisible to Predators. Second, they both have gaps in their front teeth. Third, and most importantly, they have both had group sex in Lou Ferrigno’s house when Lou wasn’t home. (Probably.)
But Danny Glover is perfect for fighting predators for a number of other reasons too, not just his uncanny similarities to Arnold. A few are listed below:
1. Gravitas: Nothing puts a Predator in its place like an air of quiet dignity. And Danny Glover has that in spades. Predators fear a man that can spend four hours nodding, slowly rubbing his hands, and assessing you. It is a well known fact that the only way to instantly kill a Predator is to force it to attend a taping of a “Charlie Rose” interview.
2. The Royal Tenenbaums: If you want to prepare yourself for fighting a Predator, marry Anjelica Huston. We all know that old saying. Old men say that to each other, they sit in front of the fire late at night and tell stories of Anjelica Huston to scare each other. These are very effective stories. From very effective men.
3. Bow Ties: Danny Glover often will wear a bow tie for any of his many film roles. It is just a Danny Glover thing to do. I think it is obvious that it would be way, way better for whoever was fighting the Predator one-on-one to be wearing a bow tie while they were doing so. And no one can pull that off like Danny Glover.
4. Heat Vision: Danny Glover is one of the few celebrities working in Hollywood today whose vision is based on thermal readings. Which is why Danny Glover can’t go hiking, because snakes are cold blooded, so he can’t see them and gets bit all the time.
5. Suicide Arm: In addition to his heat vision, Danny Glover is also the only celebrity besides Cameron Diaz to own a mechanical arm, powered by alien technology, to self destruct if he finds himself losing in a fair fight. A vitally important item when battling a Predator or Predators.
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