Jessica Simpson went on The View today and talked about her love life, because honestly, what else is she supposed to talk about? In a fit of grrrrrll power! she told The View crew (which is a fun rhyme I came up with to describe the women of The View that you too can use) that John Mayer won’t be getting her “napalm” anymore, which is the term Jessica Simpson uses to describe her sexual organs because they are “so hot” and are able to “wipe out whole villages through calculated air strikes.”
I imagine John Mayer isn’t too terribly heartbroken over this loss, but even if he is, take comfort young Mayer in the notion that in all likelihood Jessica Simpson is going out with Billy Corgan, front man for the Smashing Pumpkins, who mostly just spends his time whining about not being in the Smashing Pumpkins anymore and looking like a Batman super villain.
Not that Corgan hasn’t made some great music, in case anyone reading this is assuming that I dislike the Smashing Pumpkins because I said Billy Corgan whines a lot. They do make great music, and whenever I feel like being sad, but not too sad, I’ll put them on. Sure, most of the songs are about church bells and ravens landing on tombstones and other goofy ’90s-goth nonsense, but they’re still very good. And if you had to pit Mayer lyrics against Smashing Pumpkins lyrics, well, Smashing Pumpkins are for listening to when it’s raining outside and a crow just landed on your shoulder and it has a ring its mouth, the wedding ring you gave your bride who died mysteriously on your wedding day, and John Mayer is for listening to when you’re an asshole. But I still feel like John Mayer’s, in the long run, the winner in this tug of war, because he’s intelligent, funny, and getting more interesting as a musician every day, and Jessica Simpson is a giant red high heel with breasts. So Mayer will end of banging some other attractive woman who’s only function is to roll sexily around on the hood of a car, and Jessica Simpson will probably end up on display in Billy Corgan’s basement as part of some weird serial killer/ performance art thing he makes that he thinks is “totally spooky, man.”