Sony just announced the release of their new “Playstation Move,” which is a controller that senses your movements so that you can punch, kick, play tennis or what have you similar to the way the Wii controller works. However, unlike the Wii, the Playstation 3 is not interested in shying away from more adult games.
The Wii is exciting only until you realize that all you can do with the Wii control is move around adorable animals or throw colorful blocks around. Playstation 3 has a great opportunity here to really take advantage of both their new “movement” technology and the older audience that generally purchases their products. Here are just a few games I would like to see:
1. Binge and Purge Hero:
This game would put you in control of a 15-year-old girl who is attending a high-pressure private high school. In order to keep her figure for the swim team she needs to overeat and then reject the food into a toilet bowl in the janitor’s bathroom because no one ever goes in there so she has more privacy there. You gain experience points based on how far you are able to shove the “Playstation Move” controller down your own throat. If you can get her to throw up an entire undigested cheeseburger you earn the “Ultimate Purge” Playstation 3 Online Award, which allows you to access bracelets for your Avatar that are much smaller than normal bracelets so that they won’t slip off your thin, thin wrists.
2. Inner City Cop: Battle Royale:
You are in control of Officer Blaine Force, a tough as nails cop who’s been on the streets too long and has his own personal prejudices to deal with. Every level the minority you have to arrest has committed more and more innocuous crimes, ranging from jaywalking when no cars are around to driving under the speed limit to enjoying ice cream in a suspiciously nice part of town. The more out of control your violence is the more points you receive, which you will need to pay off suspicious internal affairs officers who are worried that “beating that Mexican guy until his eye came out for double parking may have been excessive.”
Crash Bandicoot has come up against his most difficult opponent yet, a bottle-necked health care initiative. Use the patented “Playstation Move” control to gesticulate wildly every time a fellow Senator spends forty minutes rehashing statistically-flawed arguments you’ve already heard other Senators make that day. Bonus Points for softly touching the back of Nancy Pelosi‘s neck without having her get mad.
4. Predator Drone Simulator:
You play an overweight computer programmer in the basement of an Air Force base in Kentucky in control of a remote Predator Drone in the Kandahar border regions of Pakistan. Can you eliminate the target, minimize civilian casualties, and make it look like the United States was not involved in the killings all before five o’clock so that you can take your kids to see “Alice In Wonderland” that night at the Imax like you promised?
5. Playstation Move Warrior:
You play a guy in his living room using a “Playstation Move” controller to play the Playstation. The levels consist mostly of you resisting eating more than five oreo cookies because you’re trying to do something about that spare tire. Popular boss levels include your girlfriend coming in and asking when you’re going to have sex again, and getting the gas bill and deciding whether to throw it away or burn it.