Everybody make a sad trumpet noise with their mouths.
The US intelligence community has suffered a weird weekend. First, they thought they captured an incredibly high-ranking Al-Qaeda member in what appeared to be a massive effort by Pakistan. But then it turns out, unwashed men with beards and turbans can be easily mistaken for one another, as the captured guy is definitely not Adam Gadahn, American member of Al-Qaeda, and number one on the FBI’s Most Wanted list.
Now, I’m clearly not an expert on Al-Qaeda recruiting. But Adam Gadahn is a home-schooled Californian who had an interest in death metal, and belongs to a family of goat farmers. Literally, goat farmers. If you’re looking for someone to convert people, maybe looking towards someone whose based his life off of adolescent angst wouldn’t be the best idea.
Gadahn has been reportedly killed and captured before, but he’s elusive and slippery like a fundamentalist eel. An eel with a ZZ Top beard. Every time he enters the room, his followers play “Sharp Dressed Man” on ouds. I wish that was a real thing. I really, really do. Gadahn released a video this week, calling for Muslim Americans to attack their own country, presumably after listening to a Cannibal Corpse album and writing in his diary.
Anyway, Pakistan either played a huge prank on us or they are incompetent. I like to think that this is a giant episode of Looney Tunes, where they’re just trading mustaches back and forth.
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