With Sarah Palin being groomed by the Republican party to become the next president of the United States, and Barack Obama’s ratings slipping ever lower, it might be high time to prepare for the oncoming complete dissolution of the separation of church and state. But not to worry, yes the founding fathers believed in the necessity of the separation of church and state, but just because they didn’t like it didn’t mean it’s all bad. There are certainly pitfalls inherent in living under a theocratic regime, for instance people living in Iran have had their complaints. But there have been some pretty fun theocracies too. Anyone who has ever lived under a Jedi master (light side of the force) has had nothing but positive things to say about it from what I can recall.
With the impending Palin Theocracy in mind, it’s high time we took a look at the many BENEFITS OF LIVING IN A THEOCRACY.
1. Church bake sales.
Sure, church can be boring, and long, and often the air conditioning is broken. On the other hand, church bake sales are world renowned for their incredible meat loaf, and wide variety of sugar cookies. In a Palin Theocracy, church bake sales are not only going to be prevalent, they will also be mandatory. People who do not attend a church bake sale at least once a week will meet with stiff fines, prison time, and if they are repeat offenders, they will be forced to race in a futuristic version of Nascar where the cars are equipped with weapons and the last person alive is the winner.
2. Less to have to read in order to sound informed.
In a Theocracy most literature is frowned upon. Most reading material is banned, and the only books available will be the King James Bible, Joel Osteen Self-Help Cookbooks, and Kirk Cameron’s autobiography. This will make it easy to sound well informed when hanging out at your local coffee shop. Dave Eggers will try to lead a revolution against the removal of great literature, immediately be deported to France, and since the French outlawed emotional resonance in 1988, he will sink into obscurity.
3. Uniforms.
Theocracies are most effective when they discourage unique expression. Which sounds bad, but sometimes there are downsides to unique expression, particularly the pressure to continually buy new and interesting ironic t-shirts. When Sarah Palin or “Girly Jesus,” as she will demand to be called, institutes the Clothing Conformity Act of 2014, all clothing will be burned and replaced with gender neutral jumpsuits. The jumpsuits will come complete with thick padding to render the wearer seemingly sexless, and a tazer that automatically goes off whenever the wearer thinks about sex, Communism, or R-rated films.
4. Communion host.
The little wafers that you’re supposed to eat at the end of a church service. In a theocracy they have host vending machines everywhere. And host tastes amazing.
5. P.O.D. made official “House Band of the Entire United States.”
Christian Rap Rock heroes P.O.D. have been struggling to gain a foothold in our current democratic United States. Mostly because people in a democracy tend to like drinking booze, making out with people, and music that isn’t embarrassing. When the Palin Theocracy comes into power P.O.D. will finally get the recognition they deserve. They will get to live in the White House, tour 300 days of the year, and preside over military tribunals.
Comments
Dwight Weaver
April 20th, 2010 - 8:28:40 AM
First we are not a democratic united states. We are a constitutional republic based on the ten commandments of God. To attack Christ and his followers will get you nowhere until you accept Him. If you read the first amendment it states that it is that the government is separated from the church and that no laws should be passed against the church. This means the government and the church are equal. Oh, I forgot that you know all of that. I love you still!! signed a member of Christs' church
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