Sex has grown from a taboo subject to a major part of radio and TV in the last 30 years, and with the subject comes a slew of stupid questions, awkward moments, and stories that range from sad to hilarious. Over the years, four people have really stood out from the rest in the world of sex talk: Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Sue Johanson, and the men behind Loveline, Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew Pinsky. These people, with their radio and television shows, changed the face of the media as stands on the subject of sex. Here we take a look at 15 of the greatest moments in sex talk; if you’re at work, you may want to get some headphones out.
Dr. Ruth on Masturbation
In a bit of a PSA she did for The Doctors Channel (.com), Dr. Ruth lays it out: If you’re horny, masturbate. Unfortunately, it’s very doubtful that very many women will have watched this video, because she also does us guys a favor. Directing a comment specifically to the ladies, Dr. Ruth says that if their boyfriends are in need of sex, to just give it to them. The reasoning is that it only takes two minutes out of their day, and then everybody’s happy. We won’t argue with the lady on this one.
Loveline on Penis Length
Pulling the classic Ladies’ Man length-inflation joke on an unsuspecting moron, Adam Carolla turned this ridiculous call into several minutes of entertainment as a dumb kid fought to contain his sorrow as he was made to believe that he had an abysmally small penis. The joke was rolling on so well that Dr. Drew let it go on for quite a while before firmly telling the kid that he was OK, and not to worry.
Sue Johanson on Vaginal Farts
Who doesn’t love it when old ladies talk about queefing? Sue Johanson did just that when a decidedly unintelligent girl called in, rather embarrassed, to ask if there was any way to keep her vagina from expelling air during sex. She couldn’t believe that it had a name (vaginal farts) or that it was normal, and audiences couldn’t stop laughing as Sue repeated the phrase repeatedly while making fart noises.
Dr. Ruth and Arsenio Hall explore the world of Condoms
A classic, this clip is loaded with great memories; from Arsenio dancing around while declaring that “you gotta put a spacesuit on the littlest astronaut before you get busy” to Ruth saying that penis size doesn’t matter unless yours is “very miniscule,” it’s got it all. The clip comes as the two of them travel to a newly opened condom shop. At the time, this was a new idea, and they had begun cropping up in locations across the country — it made for the perfect opportunity for the two of them to record an outing.
Loveline on Anal Sex, Fire Safety, Laziness and Humility
This call to Loveline started out simple enough, with the usual girl calling in to talk about a problem in her ass that she was worried may have been caused by rough anal sex. Dr. Drew begins to agree with her, but suddenly hears the identifiable chirp of a dying smoke detector. This show took place in 2009, and the two of them had had many years of experience taking calls by that point. In that time, a recurring nuisance was callers who had dying smoke detectors chirping in the background. The two of them burst into a ten minute long tirade, lambasting the girl in the process, throwing the best jokes and insults they could muster for the occasion. The second half of the call is the best:
The moment the girl said the words “anus the size of a mason jar,” both Drew and Carolla knew they had been had, and that the entire call was a well-orchestrated prank. The phrase was a running joke, getting tagged at the end of prank-calls to the show for years, and the girl was given props for besting them at their own game. Not only was the obsession with the fire alarm hilarious, but the rant about lazy women and stupid people was nothing short of epic; add to that one of the greatest talk-show prank-callers of all time and this is a classic.
Sue Johanson and the Liberator
Sex therapists and female talk-show hosts have segments about sex toys all the time, and some even go as far as to endorse them, but none can do it in the (absence of) style that Sue Johanson can. This priceless piece has Sue reading from cue cards as an awkward couple re-enacts sexual positions using the “toy” in question: Multiple furniture-sized futon-like blocks of foam called The Liberator. As if it wasn’t funny enough that these things would take up a whole closet (and be pretty embarrassing when the in-laws find them), the whole thing took place in what looked like a dojo.
Dr. Ruth on Peeping, Cheating and Lesbian Tendencies
Dr. Ruth, crazy as she may be, is pretty decent at giving some straightforward advice. The stuff is definitely from the hip, to be sure, but she’s got a good point in saying that a woman who only finds herself attracted to gay men just might be spending too much time in gay bars to be completely straight.
Loveline on Viagara and Male Pleasure
What else can be said about this guy, he really may be the best caller ever. We’re not just talking about Loveline, either — he’s the best we’ve heard on any sex-talk broadcast in history. Instead of the usual ignorance and stupid questions, this guy busted out with on-the-fly voice acting (that was probably spot-on).
Sue Johanson on Damaging Rectums
This time around, Sue takes a call from Brandy, a woman who has a penchant for rough anal sex. Aside from the urges to scream “Rectum! Damn near killed ‘em!” this clip is pretty great for the inevitable introduction of feces and the multiple mentions of anal sex and rectum.
Sue Johanson: Guys Call it “the Choda”
In this clip, Sue has to educate a young woman who doesn’t have the best grasp of the male sexual anatomy, namely the perineum. This is all pretty normal, even run-of-the-mill sort of stuff, until Sue busts out with “CHODA.” She repeats the phrase so the woman really hears her, “Guys call it the CHODA.” It was news to us, too.
Loveline and Subliminal Phone Sex
Probably our absolute favorite Loveline call that wasn’t a prank, Lorraine the phone-sex operator calls in to express her dismay that her customers are climaxing too quickly — and she needs a way to slow it down so she can make more money. To make it better, Tom Arnold was the guest of the evening, so he got to be the guinea pig as they got Lorraine to work her skills on the phone. As a joke, the guys decided to try to get her to subliminally work un-sexy words into her spiel. Words like “cancer” and “holocaust.” Make sure you play this one the whole way through, because the girl’s so dense that she not only does it, but pulls it off perfectly without even knowing what she said.
Sue Johanson and Pregnancy Sex
Just when you wonder if the human race can get any stupider, a woman like this calls a sex-talk program and asks if sex while pregnant can cause the penis to “hit the baby’s head.” The best part is how genuinely surprised the chick is to hear that the uterus and the vagina are in fact separate, and that there is no chance of penis-shaped dents in her oh-so-lucky unborn baby’s head.
Sue Johanson, Golden Showers, Morning Woodies and Feces
If raunchy is what you seek, then this clip is the one for you. It’s absolutely hilarious, as the guy who calls in has a girlfriend who seems to be getting bored with regular sex. She apparently started watching scat porn, and she’s pushing her guy to piss on her. Sue has to explain to the guy just what exactly a golden shower is, and he’s dumbfounded. She goes into great detail about where the urine and feces can end up, and that’s not the best part. He says that one of her requests is that he urinate inside her. The phrase “pee in her butt” comes to mind, but this wasn’t even a joke. Sue, without skipping a beat, explains that while it would difficult to actually piss while erect, that it’s totally safe and clean if he can pull it off — since urine is sterile in enclosed spaces.
Loveline: Women’s Magazines Affects on Women
If the Carolla rant from the prank-call was epic, this one may be slightly more impressive if only for the fact that Dr. Drew was just as heated and into it as he was. A girl calls in with an inane question about a tattoo and piercing article in a woman’s magazine, and the two drift off into a bitter tirade against all that is woman’s magazine. Not only is it comforting to hear someone like Dr. Drew affirm what we know to be true, but it’s pretty hilarious to hear them rip into some poor girl who had no idea what she was getting herself into.
Sue Johanson and How to Get Semen Out of a Mustache
Finishing up, we have Sue taking a call from a gay man who, though sounding extremely femme, apparently wears a beard and mustache. To each his own, but the funny part about the call is that he’s trying to get advice for how to extract semen from his mustache. We shit you not. Instead of laughing him off the show, Sue goes on to pontificate on the possibilities of using tick combs in conjunction with a shower to get the “ejaculate” out of the man’s facial hair.