6 Things That Lil’ Wayne Could Do Now That He’s In Prison

By Mark Lorenz on February 25th, 2010

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Lil’ Wayne is going to prison. Everyone’s favorite dreadlocked gremlin is going to be behind bars, biding the time until he can get out and bite people with his grill. Which is good, because Lil’ Wayne’s rock album just flopped, proving–once again–yes men are completely useless.

But there a number of things he can do to bide his time while he’s behind bars. Lil’ Wayne isn’t without ambition, and here are the things I know he’s dying to do.

1. Actually Gangbang.

Lil’ Wayne has been talking about living the thug life ever since he burst out on the scene. Cancel that, ever since he was a teenage rap star. But being a teenage rap star endears yourself to certain privileges, such as not having to gangbang to make a living. Meaning, Lil’ Wayne has probably just been hanging out with rich drug dealers, like most music stars, and claiming that he’s been gangbanging in the meantime. To regain his street cred, he could do the prison thing and piss on an envelope to order a lyrical hit on 50 Cent. Or an actual one on the person who cuts his hair.

2. Start Sewing. Or Whittling.

Weezy has been blessed with a voice at the age of 27 that can best be described as Rod Stewart fisting a munchkin. What’s this mean? He’s going to sound like a crazy man as he gets older. What’s THAT mean? He needs to start taking up whittling. So when he’s old, sipping on cough syrup, and carving a toy boat, people’ll be like, “That’s crazy old man Weezy. He used to throw money in the air. Now he just sets it on fire, like he did with our pet turtles.”

3. Write A Manifesto.

Tupac got out of prison and released a bangin’ album. Weezy’s hype will have died by the time he gets sprung, so he could start some kind of religion from prison. Weezology. Weezenites. Or just pen his belief system in a clear, concise form. Would you join the church of Pussymonster? I would join the church of Pussymonster. Then again, I’m odd like that.

4. Stop Calling Men Daddy.

People who call other men daddy usually do well in prison. To be fair, if he wanted to be reallllllly popular in prison, he could keep calling people daddy. He could call a lot of dudes his daddy. But he’ll have to refrain from kissing them on the lips. To keep other men away, he could just get a grill on his ass. Nobody likes rubbing themselves against diamonds. Nobody that isn’t Scrooge McDuck.

5. Start Playing The Blues.

Weezy’s already shown a talent for guitar-playing, and now he’s in prison. Guess where all the great bluesmen have been? Now would be a great time to work on his chops. People talk about killing people and doing drugs in blues records, as well, so he’s on good footing.

6. More Tattoos.

A stint in prison wouldn’t be complete without prison tattoos. That’s why there’s a giant one of a unicorn on my back.