The Winter Olympics has long been a chance for the world to come together and watch men in skin tight outfits go really fast down a hill. Without the Winter Olympics every four years in February television networks would be saddled with the need for original programming, and skiers would have to content themselves not with medals and accolades, but with complimentary hot chocolate at the lodge and easily bedded forty-five year old snow bunnies. Thankfully, the Winter Olympics do exist and the forty-five year old snow bunnies must every four years sit alone in their beds, depressed, putting on lipstick that no one will kiss off of them.
The Winter Olympics have gelled into, in the last twenty years or so, what we see today. The same sporting events take place every four years, and audience have come to know what to expect out of their viewership of the various events. But the Winter Olympics have been around a while, and many events that were previously included were, for various reasons, dis-included over time. Here are just a few of them:
1. Nazi Figure Skating:
This event was basically exactly the same as regular figure skating except with Nazis. The Winter Olympic committee stopped having Nazi figure skating in 1942 because, frankly, there just weren’t enough Nazis to keep up the event. Also, skating in a swastika pattern is notoriously bad on shins.
2. The Hot Karl:
While participants in the event were huge into the warm ending since it’s so cold in the winter, the sensibilities of viewers became tamer over time, and American viewers in particular were put off by all the shitting. Also, many countries complained, and rightly so, that they simply couldn’t compete with the German teams, since German children are trained in the art of the Hot Karl before they are even taught to read or write.
3. Being Pushed Around In An Open Refrigerator:
While this event was considered “fun as hell”, just being pushed around a frozen lake in a fridge was eventually cut from the roster of Olympic events because there was no competitive aspect that any one could detect, it just seems like a really great time. Which, seriously, it is.
4. The Winter Of Our Discontent:
This event, which consisted of speed reading the entire Shakespeare play “Richard III” while simultaneously barreling face first down a steep hill toward your own undoing, was never very popular with Olympic athletes. Partly because it’s usually too cold to be able to read out loud quickly, and partly because no one seems like barreling toward their own undoing.
5. Getting Caught In A Snow Storm….
And Then Cutting Open A Husky And Sleeping Inside It For Warmth:
While this event always got great ratings, PETA eventually won out in their landmark case PETA v. Husky Cutting Open For Sport. Viewers loved the drama of the life and death struggle, athletes were always surprised by how comfortable it actually is inside a husky, and networks loved the high ratings. The only people who never liked the event were PETA, and of course, huskies were less than enthusiastic, but that’s what they get for being so warm on the inside.
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