The Winter Games are upon us, and everyone is obsessed with figure skating, the American winning all the speed skating golds, and Sean White, the snowboarder who looks like Carrot Top.
But the events you know haven’t always been that way. The first winter Olympic events, actually played during the 1908 summer Olympics, featured only 4 figure skating contests, and and suggestions for new events trickle in all the time. Some of these suggestions are accepted, as snowboarding was in 1998. But some of these suggestions… aren’t.
1) Bandy
Nope, it’s not hockey. Looks closely: they’re playing with a pink ball. And using field hockey sticks. And the dude in yellow seems to be giving the midget in white a reach-around, though that’s probably not part of the game.
Part hockey, part field hockey, and part broomball, Bandy is a sport popular in parts of the world where they’ve never heard of Wayne Gretsky. And although it was played at the 1952 Oslo Olympics at a demonstration sport (meaning teams compete but it’s not part of the official games), Bandy is still waiting to become a true Olympic sport. Maybe because in 1952, only Norway, Sweden and Finland actually showed up with teams.
Oh, and instead of Face-Offs, Bandy has “Stroke-Offs”. I’m still giggling about that one. Maybe there’s something to that picture, after all.
2) Skijoring
Skijoring is cross-country skiing, except you’re pulled by dogs (or horses or snowmobiles, I guess, but dogs are much more fun). Granted, the phrase “pulled by dogs” makes just about any activity better (slip ‘n slide, skateboarding, wheelchair racing, etc), provided the phrase “pulled by dogs” isn’t injected with the word “apart”.
This kickass event was tried out at the 1928 Winter Olympics in its equestrian form but has never made it into the real games, probably due in part to complaints by animal nuts. Fortunately, Skijoring will be featured in the 2012 F*ck Peta Winter Olympic Games, which will also include Ice Fishing, Seal Clubbing and Burying Kittens in Snowbanks.
3) Winter Pentathlon
In a demonstrative event in the 1948 Olympics, athletes competed in a Pentathalon featuring the following events:
- Cross-country skiing
- Shooting
- Downhill skiing
- Fencing (!?)
- Horse riding (!?!?)
So let me get this straight: competitors ski across flat land for a while, then ski downhill, then stop and shoot some stuff, then drop their guns and sword-fight with each other, then jump onto horses and ride them away through the snow?
I don’t even know what to say. Except that watching horses get stuck in belly-deep snow is entertaining enough to be an event all by itself, in the Winter Olympics of Me Laughing My Ass Off.
4) “Special Figures” Figure Skating
This actually was an event, in the 1908 Olympics in London. Basically, the idea is to trace patterns on the ice with the blade of one ice skate, like these:
Or these, when I do it.
So essentially, it’s like Figure Skating meets Etch-a-Sketch.
The only Special Figure Figure Skating gold medal ever was won by Russian Nikolai Panin, who then went on to have a bright future in drawing doodles during office meetings.
5) Snowshoeing
It’d fit, wouldn’t it? I mean, we already have skiing, and snowboarding, and skating, and the 80% of other winter sports that involve strapping something ridiculous to your feet and moving as fast as you can. Why not snowshowing? It’s how we used to get around in Minnesota.
But sadly, though already a stable in the Winter Special Olympics (makes sense), snowshoeing has yet to make it to the big show. Though the U.S. Snowshowing Association (USSSA) has been pushing for years.
Other Winter Sports I’d Love To See Become Events
(though it may be just me):
Skibobbing (the picture at the top), Snowball Fighting, Synchronized Snowman Building, Sled Jumping, and, of course, Whitewashing Your Younger Brother.
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