There so many different ways we’re all going to die at this point that it’s becoming mundane. Every other day we hear about a mosquito that can vomit AIDS, or an earthquake that is projected to wipe out all the homophobic parts of Texas, miraculously sparing Austin.
“Oh, there’s a new super virus that’s projected to kill 85% of the population? Yawn. Hey did we remember to buy milk?”
The 2000’s have become the age of various things to worry about. People are actually deciding not to have children based on a fear that in 20 years we’re all going to die anyway so it’s not worth it. I’m not in that camp. I’m not having children because I’d probably name them after swear words and then accidentally leave them at a bar in San Diego at two in the morning and then forget that I had been to San Diego.
So common are the ways to kill everyone that it seems sensible at this point to keep a handy-dandy guide to the ways we’re all going to die. So feel free to print this out and keep it with you at all times, so when the end times come, in whatever form they take, you can effectively identify which end times you are being destroyed by.
According to the bible, Jesus isn’t all squatters rights and hanging out with hookers, he also plans to one day ride a wave of death, disease, famine, and destruction such as can’t be imagined by anyone, unless they took LSD, then they could easily imagine it. Written by the early Christian equivalent of Jim Morrison, Revelations is an acid-trip roller coaster through a dragon-filled fireball bursting genuine total destruction of man. Only those who have followed God’s demand to forgive the sins of their neighbor will be spared God’s complete lack of forgiveness.
2. Zombies
Like the Apocalypse, except fun. The zombie end of the world will begin when there’s no room left in hell, and the dead walk the earth. The best thing about the zombie apocalypse: It’ll finally justify your impulse purchase of that chainsaw when you were drunk at Home Depot at two in the morning. The worst thing: inevitable doom. Bonus good news: according to most zombie experts, zombies like to rip the front off of chick’s shirts before they eat their precious brains.
3. Supervirus
A deadly disease secretly engineered by the U.S. government and accidentally unleashed via an escaped lab pigeon will consume the globe, none will be spared. The virus will either cause us to throw up our insides, have diarrhea until we are dead, or turn us into the mindless walking undead- in which case see scenario 2.
4. Global Warming
It should technically not be on the list since three scientists who were paid by Shell petroleum company said it’s not real in a study they mentioned briefly on Fox News at two in the morning. And so naturally, and rightly, 40% of America believes them.
5. We All Turn Into Vampires
Like the zombie holocaust, except hot. We all turn into sleek sexy vampires and sleep all day, only to wake up at night to get laid by all our hot vampire friends. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, given that we are all still alive, we’re just vampires, except that we would have lost something intangible that we had as humans that we could never get back, so that it would be like a living death. And then we’d lay around all sad all the time, and want to kill ourselves but be afraid to, and write lame acoustic songs about how “cold we feel inside”.
6. The Funpocalypse
It’s basically the same as the apocalypse, except God makes the world’s funnest, biggest amusement park and fills it with all the latest games and rides, and he makes it so believers get discount season passes and free parking after 6pm, but nonbelievers still have to pay full price.
(Photo Via: Ikhwanweb)
Comments
No comments.