It’s official. People love the panderiest, sappiest, most ridiculous wastes of time. How do I know this? Valentine’s Day, the movie with about 21 different stars in its ensemble cast, broke records over the weekend.
And they weren’t fun records, like, the longest you can sit in a chair without violating your eyes with paper clips. Or the most times somebody shouted fire in a crowded theater. Fresh off the back of Avatar breaking all sorts of box office records, we get a glimpse at the kind of people who are dominating the viewing demographics of America: men who are completely whipped. And women that love the men who are completely whipped. It made 66.9 million dollars over the weekend. 66 million dollars. A sequel has been announced already, called — wait for it — New Years.
This might be coming off as a tad harsh, but come on. Not a single critic who saw the movie, according to Rotten Tomatoes, didn’t leave without wanted to bleach his eyes and dye his hair pink. Not a single one. Empirically. This has been proven with science. The movie is the lowest tracking one that was released this weekend, and the highest grossing at the box office. So, gentle readers, did you enjoy Valentine’s Day? The date movie that Roger Ebert said you should never bring a date to? Did you get blazed in the theaters and have the ushers forcibly remove you? What’s the appeal? Do you want Ashton Kutcher to toss his hair at you? I’m at a loss. I’M AT A LOSS.
I’m just going to eat this chocolate.