Some movies are considered pretty great films in their own right but “still missing the explosions and mindless gun violence that would make them classics,” and that’s where Michael Bay comes in. Michael Bay is best known for his extravagant large-scale action sequences, and for inventing the cotton gin. He is the only director that can make an exploding van smell like a woman having an orgasm. His prowess with random violent action, fire, and things blowing up is without compare and if he were to just take his particular and unique paintbrush to some of our favorite old films, he could bring a new life to them that would surely make them the films they were always meant to be, but that a lesser director who was too much of a pussy to have explosions in the background of a touching love story might not have drawn out. For instance:
1. Harold and Maude
Critics have said for years that the only thing Harold and Maude, otherwise an exceptional film, was lacking was a protracted 45 minute car chase through the twisting streets of San Francisco culminating in an explosive machine gun battle outside of a popular well known building. Michael Bay, that should be a cake walk for you. Also, it has been suggested that somewhere around sixty minutes into the movie, Maude should explode.
2. The Velveteen Rabbit
A beloved children’s story about a Velveteen rabbit and the little girl that loves her. How much more touching would this story be if the Velveteen Rabbit was kidnapped by a silver-haired ex-KGB agent for mysterious reasons, and then the little girl had to travel to Hell Island to get back her beloved Velveteen Rabbit by killing her way to the center of the island where the ex-KGB agent was waiting for her. Also, while they were karate fighting, if all around the little girl and the ex-KGB agent expensive sports cars were blowing up, that would only add emotional resonance.
3. Cool Hand Luke
How much more convincing would Cool Hand Luke have been as a charming layabout if there was a scene in the middle of the movie where he had to leap through the glass roof of an art show while throwing smoke bombs in every direction, then land and have a sword-fight in the smoke with a terrorist who was scoping out the building to blow it up? Way more convincing. That’s how much convincing.
4. Sliding Doors
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence could each play the two different possible Gwyneth Paltrows in the film, adding wacky over the top humorous facial expressions and tough guy one liners to an already exceptional film about the choices we make. Plus, instead of having the scene where Gwyneth Paltrow is having a tough time working two jobs in the middle of the movie, there could be a scene where Will Smith, playing the Gwyneth Paltrow part, could break up an illegal dog fighting ring by making everyone watching the dog fight explode, and then having all the cars they drove up to watch the dog fights explode, and then having the building where the dog fighting was taking place explode. Then him and Martin Lawrence could walk away from all the explosions without looking back while saying something funny about being black that we can all relate to.
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