The Dominos Pizza Taste Test

By Ned Hepburn on February 12th, 2010

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As some of you may know, Dominos has changed its recipe. This might seem like a good, natural, normal thing to do. Especially when one’s pizza was “sub par” before. More to the point, the pizza was so bad that men would throw themselves into oncoming traffic just to escape it. It was terrible. Nobody liked it. The cheese not so much “tasted” as it did “gesticulate,” the crust was harder than a Chinese math problem. It was: The Worst Pizza The World Has Ever Seen. The pepperoni was sliced with rusty knives sharpened on the gums of an evil witch and the sausage was cast from the bowels of the Devil himself. The green peppers were conjured up and laced with words cut out of Mark David Chapman’s copy of “Catcher In The Rye.” The tomato sauce was pure hate, seasoned with garlic. If this pizza had a Mother, the Mother would not acknowledge it. If a friend saw this pizza in the street homeless he would walk right by the pizza, that’s how terrible it was.

So with this new recipe, Dominos has changed the pizza into a magical wonderland of taste! Angels call from the heavens when you bite in, and upon first bite, the first three seconds of The Simpsons theme song plays–followed by David Caruso putting on a pair of sunglasses and the “YEAAAAAAAAAAH” part from CSI Miami. It’s true. It totally happens. What’s more, feed some to your dog. He will become a giant crime solving dog with a penchant for “snacks,” with the ability to eat an entire gigantic sandwich with one bite, with a severe speech impediment making him say “R” at the beginning of many words. But the dog will talk. And this is what he’ll say:

“Rominos Rizza is Rerricious!” spake your hound, gorged on the future food that is the new Dominos pizza.