U.S. Prisoner Tortured With Eminem Songs

By Daniel Dominguez on February 11th, 2010

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We all saw that one coming. For a good long while now Eminem has been releasing music that seems intentionally designed to be used in conjunction with electrical shocks and sleep deprivation. Secret documents detailing the U.S. directed torture of Binyam Mohamed have been released, revealing that Mohamed was forced to listen to Eminem (featuring Dr. Dre) on repeat for twenty straight days, while intermittently hanging him by his wrists and beating him.

An unofficial CIA source has said the twenty straight days of Eminem punctuated by beatings was, “a misguided attempt to get Mohamed into Hip Hop.”

This isn’t the first time the CIA has unsuccessfully attempted to get people into Hip Hop. There was also the time they tried to get Richard Reid (the shoe bomber) into Kanye West by super-gluing an iPod to his ears and shocking him with a cattle prod every time he tried to turn down “Gold Digger.”

When the torturers tired of forcing Slim Shady down Mohamed’s throat they replaced Eminem with, and I quote, “Halloween sounds” and “ghost laughter.” This is in direct defiance of the Geneva convention which explicitly states, “You are only allowed to use spooky Halloween sounds to torture someone if it is actually Halloween. Further, dressing up like a rabbit with a bow tie and surprising the torturee with a basket of chocolate eggs may only be done on Easter, or on other rabbit related holidays.”

When Mohamed was transferred to Morocco he was then subjected to having his genitals repeatedly sliced with a razor which Mohamed described to reporters as, “bad, but not nearly as bad as Eminem’s Encore. At least when your genitals are being sliced with a razor you don’t have to listen to outdated Pee Wee Herman references and simple-minded neurotic posturing.”

The whole thing is frankly bad form. I always feel like its important to at the very least charge someone before you take razors to their genitals. I’m willing to bet if Thomas Jefferson was alive today he would in all likelihood say, “Truly, hold off on ye genital cutting until we’ve gotten the facts straight. Also, while you’re at it, someone bring me a delicious slave to kiss.”