Superheroes are a huge part of our culture and entertainment — even if lately, only the greats like Batman, Superman and Ironman tend to hog the limelight. While there are many other great superheroes out there, there are also those that completely fail in the superpower department. Some superheroes had great powers, but still managed to be the epitome of lame, and then there are the folks who had no choice but to be lame. Does a superpower make the superhero? You be the judge. Here are 15 of the lamest superpowers we could find.
Changing the Color of Things – Color Kid
Of all powers to grant a superhero, changing the color of things is definitely not on our list of awesome. How could this even be useful? Apparently Color Kid liked to confuse his flying enemies by switching the colors of the ground and the sky, but any enemy stupid enough to fall for that would probably get creamed anyway. It might be a fun “superpower” — for a six-year-old. And really, with such a lame power, he could have at least made a better costume.
A Trained Bumblebee Sidekick – The Red Bee
This one made our sides hurt from laughing, which is about all the damage he is capable of. The Red Bee’s shtick was beyond ridiculous — that in a fight he’d open up the little compartment in his belt, and release a single bee. Not a radioactive super bee, or an exotically poisonous one, but a regular, trained bee. It would fly out to sting his opponent, and that’s it. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his costume makes our eyes bleed.
Compelling People to Run – Tag
Making people do things would turn out to be an interesting superpower to wield, as a general rule — but only being able to make people run? Lame. Maybe if Tag had a cliff at his disposal every time he battled an opponent, he might be successful, but that’s not the case. It might be amusing to make people run in circles or into things, but it just seems like too much hassle, and just plain silly to boot.
Stretching – Mr. Fantastic
So we don’t want to say Mr. Fantastic is completely lame, because he’s a genius — that almost makes up for his ability to stretch. Now, if he only had the ability to stretch, he’d be completely lame. How is stretching super, really? You might be able to avoid a few injuries, but other than that, fighting crime by stretching seems a bit sad.
Shrinking – Ant Man
Now, shrinking isn’t always lame. The Atom, a far cooler superhero, can shrink to the subatomic level, which would be very cool — and useful. But Ant Man’s ability to shrink to the size of an ant is nothing but lame. For one, people could crush him pretty easily if they bothered. Wouldn’t you think there’d be some kind of loss of strength too? Come on, look at the comic book cover above — do you really think something that small would be able to knock teeth out? Useless.
Being Fat – The Blob
Marvel tried to make an excuse for The Blob, saying that his mutant power was creating a gravitational field, but we think he was just plain morbidly obese. He was so fat that his skin and tissue was known to absorb or deflect bullets. That’s pretty serious cushioning, and although it might have come in handy, it just seems far too unhealthy to even be worth it at all. Besides, anyone can get fat, and how is this guy any different from the guy who got pulled from his house in a forklift?
Turning Into a Ball – Bouncing Boy
Bouncing Boy could turn himself into a ball by inflating himself — like Kirby. He came across his powers by accidentally drinking some plastic solution that he thought was soda pop. Well, serves him right for not paying attention, and now he’s stuck with one of the lamest superpowers ever. He has to run, err, bounce away from all of his opponents, which is not really all that cool.
Omnilingualism – Cypher
Cypher was a mutant with the ability to translate anything — written, spoken, or computer language. It seems like it would be one of the more bearable superpowers on the list to have in the real world, but as a superhero … not so much. How often could he have come across a chance to be useful at all? Maybe if Professor X needed a manual translated, but after deciphering stuff he’d have to completely depend on the other superheroes to do the real work — he was useless in battle.
Turning Completely Flat – Tommy
Tommy had the ability to render herself into a two-dimensional state, taking on the shape of a piece of paper. There are only two ways we can think of to use this superpower: Giving people paper cuts or sliding under doors/through mail slots. OK, so paper cuts kind of hurt, and they’re pretty annoying, but sliding under things is pretty useless. For those not convinced, she was the first person to die in the Mutant Massacre. On the plus side, Kate Moss could always play her in a movie.
Having Four Arms – Forearm
For one, having four arms is just plain grotesque. Anyone remember Goro in Mortal Kombat? Forearm managed to buff up to lessen the lame factor, but it still doesn’t change the fact that he had to drag around two more arms. It might be easier to knock someone out and lift things, but we don’t think being horribly disfigured is worth the mildly better chances in a wrestling match.
Niceness Vibes – Goldstar
Goldstar and his “niceness vibes” have to be one of the lamest things ever concocted in an industry packed full of lameness — especially because they’re considered a superpower. You can even see him on the cover of this comic, wagging his finger at the evil, skull-crushing creatures surrounding him. That’s it? Looks like his favorite thing was to tell everyone to get along while pretending to be a Boy Scout.
Eating Through Anything – Matter Eater Lad
Alright, so it might be neat to be able to eat anything without consequence — those late night Taco Bell trips would be a lot easier, for one. But when would you ever really have to eat through a wall though? Maybe if you’re a superhero, but it just seems like it’d be a funny thing to watch. Especially when one stops to consider the truism that what must go in must come out. Not to mention, he wasn’t a cannibal — there goes any chance of using his powers to beat up the bad guys.
Summoning Squirrels – Squirrel Girl
Squirrel Girl seems like early evidence of the Furry Fetish — but we digress. Summoning squirrels to aid in a fight is definitely a lame superpower, really; they couldn’t even spring for ferrets or another creature just a tad more useful than squirrels. It’d be worth it if you could summon, say, elephants, bears or tigers. Something fierce. Don’t squirrels run away from everything? Maybe Squirrel Girl’s squirrels don’t, but it’s nothing a little rodent poison wouldn’t take care of.
Sticky Skin – Tar Baby
Besides the terrible name, Tar Baby’s superpower is incredibly lame. He had sticky skin, and could secrete some kind of adhesive. Basically everything stuck to him, which would probably be nothing more than a huge pain in the ass, don’t you think? It might come in handy at some point, maybe while shoplifting, but the clean-up and hassle of the whole thing would not be worth it.
Turning Into Any Form of Water – Zan
The Wonder Twins were lame as it is, what with having to touch each other and chant, “Wonder Twin powers, activate!” Jayna’s powers were neat enough, she could turn into any animal. The usefulness stopped there though, and her brother, Zan, got an even shorter end of the stick. He could turn into any form of water, including liquid, steam or ice. So he could wet beds and turn into sculptures at will? Hopefully Jayna never got thirsty.
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Comments
Crystal
February 10th, 2010 - 10:05:05 AM
Squirrel girl single-handedly defeated the likes of Thanos & Dr. Doom...and even went on to make Dr. Doom her bitch. She's done something right.
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TheDon
February 10th, 2010 - 10:21:37 PM
who ever wrote this has no knowledge in marvel comics....
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TheOneTrueTom
February 10th, 2010 - 10:23:45 PM
Uhm. The Blob wasn't just a fatty. He was also almost indestructible, due to his skin being almost completely impenetrable. Magic swords, a lucky shot from Cyclops, and a similarly lucky shot from Wolverine were the only things that could get through. Also, he was immovable as long as he was planted firmly on the ground. At least, until the Scarlet Witch thinned the number of mutants Marvel had to keep track of.
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MR. Mrrrrr
February 10th, 2010 - 10:52:29 PM
Author has apparently never heard of a one Monkey D. Luffy. Stretching to fight is pretty damn cool.
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LT
February 10th, 2010 - 10:54:10 PM
Wow... this article just comes off as a really sorry attempt at Cracked Magazine-esque humor. Like sarcasm for grandmas and kids stuck with NetNannies on their computers. Okay on to some more meaty criticism. shrinking down, stretching, eating anything, turning flat and even making things run (an ancient hunting method) would be incredibly useful. And for the most part, I'll bet a lot of the other more accurately named "lame" superheroes were tongue-in-cheek satire. So not only are a third of your entries just blatantly pathetic, but you can't even summon enough respect to come up with an original writing format, and think a little harder than slapping a watered down curse word on things to try to be edgy and culturally relevant.
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Joshua Zimmerman
February 10th, 2010 - 10:56:50 PM
Cypher... while completely useless in battle would be a great power to have for general use. Not only could he speak and write any language, which would make him very valuable in the job market, but he also was awesome at code breaking. He should have quit the x-men and gone into private business, making a shit ton of money. Everyone would want to translate shit for them. Shoot, with all the aliens running around Marvel Earth I'm sure the government would pay him super bucks to code break alien communications. Plus he wouldn't have died in such a super lame way.
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Anton
February 10th, 2010 - 10:58:12 PM
I must agree... the author of this list isn't very well versed in the comic heroes world. tsk tsk.
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Mesh
February 10th, 2010 - 11:13:11 PM
I love the nerd rage in the comments section of this article. Comic book dorks are the worst. "Um, technically, Dr. Doom was able to stretch into a bumblebee and his skin was resistant to metal and if you had read issue 4 of the squirrel girl series, you would know that squirrels are actually very vicious creatures bla bla bla.."
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RobertoElGrande
February 10th, 2010 - 11:27:22 PM
Just terrible. SeanBaby was doing this years ago but a) funny and b) with some knowledge of what we was talking about. Squirrel Girl? Kicks ass. Mr. Fantasti? Can bang a woman from across the room. Red Bee? He fights crime with a trained bee. That's the definition of hardcore.
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d. struct
February 10th, 2010 - 11:35:07 PM
What about the poor bastard indian kid that had the "heart" power on Captain planet.
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whydidigetintothis?
February 11th, 2010 - 12:22:54 AM
1: Mr Fantastic's stretching ability allows him to do all sorts of useful stuff, since the earliest days of the silver age. Punch a guy from across the room, dodge things easily, super jumping, transferring weight to add strength to your attacks, etc. And that's without a super-genius intellect Ant-Man: Incredible stealth capabilities. Also has certain ehm...bedroom...applications. Wonder Twins: Just didn't know how to use their power. Turn into any water? Hmm...I'll turn into The Nile and drown you. End of fight. Or an ice giant. Squirrel Girl: An army of squirrels is still an army. Having four arms? Quite useful, especially in a fight...you know, an extra two weapons or a free arm or just easier multitasking. Matter Eating Lad: Hardcore, he can eat anything. It's not just a super-digestive system, his teeth bite through anything and he doesn't seem to get full. He could eat through enemy armor and weapons like that. Fighting Wolverine? Pin him down and let Matter Eating Lad EAT HIM.
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Ked
February 11th, 2010 - 1:38:24 AM
Cypher later became more useful in combat when he learned to use his power to read "body language", effectively making him one heck of a martial artist, able to predict all his opponent's moves
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Simon Hibbs
February 11th, 2010 - 5:05:25 AM
I always liked Kid Nova. he only had one power. "Hold it you guys, freeze or I'll Blow Up the SUN!"
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goonerfirstteam
February 11th, 2010 - 5:39:30 AM
Agree with most comments here. The author knows s**t about comics.
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Anonymous
February 11th, 2010 - 6:29:41 AM
Article is fail all around. Whoever even wrote this article does not even watch heroes.
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d
February 11th, 2010 - 6:39:33 AM
How could you miss dazzler. the power of light, lame.
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Know Won
February 11th, 2010 - 8:41:13 AM
HA, i'm with Mesh - listen to how pissed off nerds get when non-nerds don't get every single detail of their comics right. c'mon nerds, it's a light-hearted comedy article, let it go!
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Rachel
February 11th, 2010 - 9:03:49 AM
The funniest thing about this article is honestly some of the comments. You are actually defending these lame superheroes ? Now THATS lame !
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redskull
February 11th, 2010 - 10:14:01 AM
3 of these characters were from the Legion of Substitute Heroes, which was like the farm team of the Legion of Superheroes. They were purposely created to have lame powers, so including them here doesn't make a lot of sense.
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Nate Thelen
February 11th, 2010 - 10:30:24 AM
If I remember right, Ant-Man kept his full-size strength. That is how he would knock out a tooth
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Glavin
February 11th, 2010 - 11:57:16 AM
Form of... an ICE FURNACE!
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soymE
February 11th, 2010 - 12:51:41 PM
This list blows chunks.. I will agree that "Color Kid" and just a very few others are rated L for Lame, but Mr. Fantastic??? Come on!
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Scott
February 11th, 2010 - 1:48:23 PM
Ant Man retains human strength when he shrinks. He's also capable of commanding ants to do whatever he wants, so talk shit and he'll have you covered in a million ants and eaten alive. Its all pretty rad to me.
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So Tired
February 11th, 2010 - 2:07:37 PM
What I don't get is how the so called "non-nerds" feel the need to bash comic book readers about a list comprised of COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS. More importantly, Squirrel Girl does have quite the resume in terms of villians she has beaten. With squirrels. Who are obviously VERY vicious creatures.
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Don't know why
February 11th, 2010 - 4:57:50 PM
I never paid attention to the Red Bee, but the picture you shared show his opponent apparently getting stung by a bee on the nads. Consider yourself getting stung on the nads, and while it is kind of a stupid concept it might not be that bad of a superpower.
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luffy
February 11th, 2010 - 5:36:23 PM
Stretching is not a lame ability. Read ONE PIECE (Manga) better than any stupid comic book.
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nerdstra
February 11th, 2010 - 9:53:40 PM
@luffy One piece the manga is a japanese comic book. dumbass
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clompio
February 11th, 2010 - 10:00:31 PM
Ant man has human strength only? Aren't ants already hundreds of times stronger than a human?
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Something you forgot
February 12th, 2010 - 8:20:31 AM
So you put Mr. Fantastic on this list but don't add Arm Fall Off Boy? Seriously, worst superhero ever.
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G-Man
February 14th, 2010 - 6:13:31 AM
Some good ones, but it's been done before here http://www.mombcomics.com/recent-momb-posts/2009/5/13/momb-top-ten-people-with-the-most-redundant-superpowers.html
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RKR
February 17th, 2010 - 2:32:18 PM
omg, I'm a fanboy to the core, and I thought this was a pretty funny article! lighten up!
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COMALite J
June 25th, 2010 - 7:30:16 PM
As has already been said, Color Kid was a member of the Legion of Substitute Heroes, and was (A) deliberately designed to have a lame power, and (B) was in the 30th Century where Superboy would often visit. That latter made his power a bit more useful. If Superboy was being threatened by Green Kryptonite, for instance, Color Kid could turn it into Blue Kryptonite, which (unlike as on Smallville) has no effect on normal Kryptonians (in the pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths DC Universe, Blue Kryptonite was actually a Bizarro duplicate of Green Kryptonite, and only affected Bizarro duplicates of Kryptonians).
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maya
January 29th, 2011 - 12:28:57 PM
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Richard Hembree
August 8th, 2011 - 8:41:26 AM
The comments on this list are so nerdy.. sure the powers listed aren't as lame as they might seem as first, but I'd rather have other useful powers, like strength, agility, flight, or even something like manipulating luck and the probability of things happening. The only ability on this list that seems appealing to me is the ability to turn into liquid (esp. the ice part) because that would allow me to slip through things or freeze anything I touch. Also... @clompio Ants are incredibly strong for their size... but do you honestly believe they are hundreds of times stronger than a human? Do you think an ant can lift a hundred pound weight? I think you misunderstood what people were saying about Ant man's strength. He doesn't have the strength of a human the size of an ant; he has the strength of a human the size of a human, despite being as small as an ant. If I were the size of an ant, I would take human strength over ant strength any day.
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